Friday, June 24, 2005
Man will never be truly free until the last politician is hung by the entrails of the last priest.
How easily do you get offended? You are still reading this after you saw the headline, so you must not get too offended. Either that or you are so outraged you just had to see what an entry could be about with such a rude start. I saw this quote on someone’s blog a year or so ago and I always thought it was a very combative way to express an opinion that many of us may have (to some degree anyway), yet would not dare to express in such a manner.
I just thought it was a good way to start my blog about being offended by words, which are more or less just sounds of different pitch and tempo. I have been very interested in language and communication lately, and my hobbies of anthropology and Japanese only enhance this interest. One thing that I will discuss today (in my own Bubblegoose way) is the notion of people being deeply offended by the words of others.
You see, I could never be president. My mouth has shot off several times in the past and I have often unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) allowed my humor come at the expense of others. And I can’t promise it won’t happen again. Even today. But I could always lie about my words and say that I was taken out of context (like all good politicians do), but I am not smart enough NOT to record my own words.
Case in point: Sir Eddie and the Tough Jew. It’s a story I wrote in high school, I think I still have it in a folder somewhere. If that ever was released to the press, my political career would be dead before it hit the floor. You see, I wanted to write a parody of the feats of the Knights of the Round Table. So I decided to do the easy way out and make a racial story. It contained every stereotype I could muster about the evil "Tough Jew." After I wrote it, even though it was funny, I immediately realized how offensive it was. But I still wanted to hand it in… so I wrote a small paragraph at the beginning that served as a disclaimer saying these views were not my own, but were only done as a parody and for humor…
The problem is that an enlightened mind wouldn’t even have thought to write those things, much less find them funny. I feel bad that I still laugh when I read (although the laughter is more at the expense of my own audacity and the whole ‘reelin’ in the years’ vibe it gives me). But, if I may play devil’s advocate, why is it that words are so offensive?
What if I say "God watches you pee" or "A squirrel probably pooped on the grave of your dead grandmother?" Neither is really all that untrue, but there are those who would be red-faced, fist-clenched mad about such things. Somewhere as we (or language itself) have evolved to use sound as communication, we have also associated the receipt of sound with emotional response. A baby is cute when it makes random sounds. Foreign languages sound fun when we have no idea what they mean. But when you mix seemingly random noises to make a word like "kike" or "nigger," you suddenly have a scene on your hands (and rightfully so I may add).
Even the notion of cursing is funny to me. It is weird that we have assigned a black label status to certain words. I mean, not all cultures do this. But all seem to have the notion of rudeness, and words that should not be used in certain situations. English is a weird language anyway, and it is interesting that with all of its exceptions and odd pronunciations that it has become the lingua franca of the world.
Anyway, we have words like "bunt," "duck," and "rich" that raise not alarms, but change a letter or two in each and you have sinned against God and man (in some company anyway). So when you are all alone and lose your balance on your bike, and hit a tree branch hard, and say "shit!" you are such a bad person. Right? To me it has always been "no harm no foul." I try not to curse because really it is a very unintelligent way to express yourself. And since it is perceived as improper and impolite, I try to fall into societal norms. But, if I am not directing the word at another person, trying to hurt their feelings, I don’t see any harm in uttering any noise from my mouth. But even enlightened me feels bad when I step in dog crap (on your dead grandmother’s grave) and say "son of a bitch!" (kidding about the grandmother thing, don’t be offended… haha)
It is interesting to me that we react so readily to the words of others. There are people who have made entire careers playing on this response. Politicians and advertising agencies sink millions of dollars into how to say something without offending folks. Anyone in a public profession (such as ministry, politics, teaching, or medicine for example) can attest that what you say often shapes others view of who you are and what you stand for. The words we use are often the only criteria used for inclusion or exclusion from the in-groups that form and dissipate in society. Just bring up abortion and your opinions in a public place and see what happens… or in my case, evolution.
So anyway, think about it. Think about what offends you, how you judge people by what they say, and how others react to your words. If you are like me, and have the triple threat of characteristics (humor, honesty, and unashamed of your thoughts), you probably have a hard go of life from time to time because of this phenomena. If you want, email me your experiences, as I find it interesting.
Horns up.
I just thought it was a good way to start my blog about being offended by words, which are more or less just sounds of different pitch and tempo. I have been very interested in language and communication lately, and my hobbies of anthropology and Japanese only enhance this interest. One thing that I will discuss today (in my own Bubblegoose way) is the notion of people being deeply offended by the words of others.
You see, I could never be president. My mouth has shot off several times in the past and I have often unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) allowed my humor come at the expense of others. And I can’t promise it won’t happen again. Even today. But I could always lie about my words and say that I was taken out of context (like all good politicians do), but I am not smart enough NOT to record my own words.
Case in point: Sir Eddie and the Tough Jew. It’s a story I wrote in high school, I think I still have it in a folder somewhere. If that ever was released to the press, my political career would be dead before it hit the floor. You see, I wanted to write a parody of the feats of the Knights of the Round Table. So I decided to do the easy way out and make a racial story. It contained every stereotype I could muster about the evil "Tough Jew." After I wrote it, even though it was funny, I immediately realized how offensive it was. But I still wanted to hand it in… so I wrote a small paragraph at the beginning that served as a disclaimer saying these views were not my own, but were only done as a parody and for humor…
The problem is that an enlightened mind wouldn’t even have thought to write those things, much less find them funny. I feel bad that I still laugh when I read (although the laughter is more at the expense of my own audacity and the whole ‘reelin’ in the years’ vibe it gives me). But, if I may play devil’s advocate, why is it that words are so offensive?
What if I say "God watches you pee" or "A squirrel probably pooped on the grave of your dead grandmother?" Neither is really all that untrue, but there are those who would be red-faced, fist-clenched mad about such things. Somewhere as we (or language itself) have evolved to use sound as communication, we have also associated the receipt of sound with emotional response. A baby is cute when it makes random sounds. Foreign languages sound fun when we have no idea what they mean. But when you mix seemingly random noises to make a word like "kike" or "nigger," you suddenly have a scene on your hands (and rightfully so I may add).
Even the notion of cursing is funny to me. It is weird that we have assigned a black label status to certain words. I mean, not all cultures do this. But all seem to have the notion of rudeness, and words that should not be used in certain situations. English is a weird language anyway, and it is interesting that with all of its exceptions and odd pronunciations that it has become the lingua franca of the world.
Anyway, we have words like "bunt," "duck," and "rich" that raise not alarms, but change a letter or two in each and you have sinned against God and man (in some company anyway). So when you are all alone and lose your balance on your bike, and hit a tree branch hard, and say "shit!" you are such a bad person. Right? To me it has always been "no harm no foul." I try not to curse because really it is a very unintelligent way to express yourself. And since it is perceived as improper and impolite, I try to fall into societal norms. But, if I am not directing the word at another person, trying to hurt their feelings, I don’t see any harm in uttering any noise from my mouth. But even enlightened me feels bad when I step in dog crap (on your dead grandmother’s grave) and say "son of a bitch!" (kidding about the grandmother thing, don’t be offended… haha)
It is interesting to me that we react so readily to the words of others. There are people who have made entire careers playing on this response. Politicians and advertising agencies sink millions of dollars into how to say something without offending folks. Anyone in a public profession (such as ministry, politics, teaching, or medicine for example) can attest that what you say often shapes others view of who you are and what you stand for. The words we use are often the only criteria used for inclusion or exclusion from the in-groups that form and dissipate in society. Just bring up abortion and your opinions in a public place and see what happens… or in my case, evolution.
So anyway, think about it. Think about what offends you, how you judge people by what they say, and how others react to your words. If you are like me, and have the triple threat of characteristics (humor, honesty, and unashamed of your thoughts), you probably have a hard go of life from time to time because of this phenomena. If you want, email me your experiences, as I find it interesting.
Horns up.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
My right hand doesn't know what my left hand is blogging.
Okay, so I am dealing with the worst sunburn I have ever had. I have only had 3 or 4 sunburns in my entire 30 years living on this earth. I have a dark complexion, and I tend to be wise about exposing myself to the sun (i.e. I ‘m not one to lay out, but then again most guys aren’t).
The burn is concentrated in a small area (my shoulders and back of my neck… no red neck jokes). Well, when I small I guess it is relative. My current disgusting body surface area is 2.25 square meters of Carl. Yuck. So my burn is the equivalent of the Earth hurting because New Zealand bursting into flames.
Anyway, the point of the story is I think the heat and the burn have conspired to damage my brain. I can’t think straight, and time seems to be passing at irregular intervals. By the time I went to bed last night, it seemed like I had been awake for about 48 hours. But the day itself flew by except for an hour between 8 PM and 9 PM. Pretty weird.
Also, my sun-damaged brain is fighting with what I want to blog about. I have 4 blogs all ready and outlined to post, all a little more meaty than my current topics have been… yet the voices keep saying "mention that you rocked out to Anthrax ‘Efilnikcufecin’ yesterday" or "I wonder how many tacos I could eat." So I had better start typing and see if anything intelligent comes out. The proper blog entries will have to wait…
LEFT: Did you hear that people are losing their jobs, or being reprimanded at least, at major businesses because they are addicted to maintaining their blogs (or surfing others’ blogs)? This is an interesting social trend. People are reading and writing again. The bad news is, like most communication, it (the blog horizon) is 80% noise.
RIGHT: I am getting my blood drawn today. The hospital that I work at (one of my two jobs) does it for their employees once a year. They check your cholesterol and all of that jazz. It is an expensive set of tests and they do it for free. It makes me wonder why they do it for. The hospital isn’t exactly known for doing nice things for its employees. I picture a huge conspiracy to see everyone’s health status so they can weed out employees that may but a burden on the insurance… But what really concerns me is the 12 hour fast. I am getting blood drawn at 10 AM, so I need to avoid all food and drink until then. You’d think I was in the desert for a year as hungry as I am. I need a pop desperately!!!
That’s enough for now. Easing back into blogging is fun! I need to get a few new pictures up too. But since the girl whose wireless internet I was "stealing" has moved out of our apartment complexes, I haven’t been real keen on doing anything that requires file transfers through my 56k dial-up. Phuong was right, you can’t go back to dial-up. ;)
Horns up.
The burn is concentrated in a small area (my shoulders and back of my neck… no red neck jokes). Well, when I small I guess it is relative. My current disgusting body surface area is 2.25 square meters of Carl. Yuck. So my burn is the equivalent of the Earth hurting because New Zealand bursting into flames.
Anyway, the point of the story is I think the heat and the burn have conspired to damage my brain. I can’t think straight, and time seems to be passing at irregular intervals. By the time I went to bed last night, it seemed like I had been awake for about 48 hours. But the day itself flew by except for an hour between 8 PM and 9 PM. Pretty weird.
Also, my sun-damaged brain is fighting with what I want to blog about. I have 4 blogs all ready and outlined to post, all a little more meaty than my current topics have been… yet the voices keep saying "mention that you rocked out to Anthrax ‘Efilnikcufecin’ yesterday" or "I wonder how many tacos I could eat." So I had better start typing and see if anything intelligent comes out. The proper blog entries will have to wait…
LEFT: Did you hear that people are losing their jobs, or being reprimanded at least, at major businesses because they are addicted to maintaining their blogs (or surfing others’ blogs)? This is an interesting social trend. People are reading and writing again. The bad news is, like most communication, it (the blog horizon) is 80% noise.
RIGHT: I am getting my blood drawn today. The hospital that I work at (one of my two jobs) does it for their employees once a year. They check your cholesterol and all of that jazz. It is an expensive set of tests and they do it for free. It makes me wonder why they do it for. The hospital isn’t exactly known for doing nice things for its employees. I picture a huge conspiracy to see everyone’s health status so they can weed out employees that may but a burden on the insurance… But what really concerns me is the 12 hour fast. I am getting blood drawn at 10 AM, so I need to avoid all food and drink until then. You’d think I was in the desert for a year as hungry as I am. I need a pop desperately!!!
That’s enough for now. Easing back into blogging is fun! I need to get a few new pictures up too. But since the girl whose wireless internet I was "stealing" has moved out of our apartment complexes, I haven’t been real keen on doing anything that requires file transfers through my 56k dial-up. Phuong was right, you can’t go back to dial-up. ;)
Horns up.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Don't Make Me Throw an Exploding Penguin At You.
How does Carl ease back into blogging? Do I talk about why I have been so busy, and how I am so far behind on all of the stuff I wanted to do this summer? Maybe I should complain about my weight some more, and how I don’t exercise or eat well despite knowing better. Do I talk about my quest to find out what chloroxylenol was? Or maybe I should talk about the church, God, evolution…
Nah. I am going to talk about a video game I have just started playing. I am a nerd.
I still haven’t finished Final Fantasy 7. I have put a hold on starting any new game until I beat it. So, almost 10 years after its release, and 60+ hours into this attempt at beating it, I am all saved up and ready for the final assault. The problem is, there are no save points past where I am, so I know it is going to be a 2 hour time investment without a break to finish it (and that is if I don’t get killed!). So many games are sitting in a que, waiting to played in my ever shrinking free time…
But I finally gave in and started, on a whim, Disgaea. It is a strategy RPG, which means you move characters around on a grid, ala table top games. There are plenty of these games out there, but I am instantly addicted, and I may even think it will overthrow Parappa, Final Fantasy 7, Final Fantasy Tactics, and Metal Gear Solid as my new favorite game ever.
The game is a product of Nippon Ichi; a company known for their quirky and unique games (they even made one about a chef that used his cooking skills to save the world… and I am NOT talking about Burgertime). Disgaea itself is a game that has a huge cult following. To find it used is often a chore, let alone new. Even a used copy will cost you $50. The strategy guide is pretty much nonexistent, and if you find the soundtrack CD or the figures, you have a true treasure on your hands.
I won’t bore you about the details of the game, but I will explain some of its sexiest features. I hope you get a chance to see this game in action sometime. I can tell already it is going to be a game that demands well over 50 hours of play (I had 80 into Final Fantasy Tactics I think).
1. The game is basically a comedy RPG. The plot is that you are the teenage prince of darkness, and you slept for 2 years. While you were asleep, your dad died and the kingdom has "went to hell." So, you are out to reclaim the Netherworld in your name. As you can imagine, there is no end to the weird and wacky citizens of your land.
2. Your best friend is a girl who may or may not be trying to kill you. It is hell after all. Anyway, her special technique is conjuring zombie penguins that say "dude!" a lot. They love to work as teams, so whenever you get 2 or 3 helping each other out, the audio is laugh-out-loud hilarious! "Hey dude, here I go dude, duuuuuude! Whoa dude, good job dude!" Just like the Ninja Turtles or the big turtles in Finding Nemo. Oh, and if you pick up one of these penguins (named Prinnies for some reason), and throw them, they explode. So they are both allies and weapons…
3. You can switch off the English audio and hear the original Japanese voice actors. This may seem trivial, but you have to understand that voice acting in Japan is a high quality ordeal. When we localize games for USA, we rarely translate the games right, let alone have any effect in the voice-overs. The English audio often sounds like a high school drama production. The Japanese voice actors really get into their parts, and it adds so much to the game. There are English subtitles so no worries on following the story.
4. The game is not very linear, and the story line sort of takes a back seat to playing. This is a nice break from the overly serious games we see all around (Grand Theft Auto, God of War, Final Fantasy, and so on). If you like a particular level, you can go back and play it. And there is seemingly no end to how high you can level up (I hear 9999 is the max level).
5. For a game that does not take itself or its genre seriously, it has some very deep features. One feature allows you to call The Assembly, a group of hell’s best politicians. You can bribe them, beg them, or even use physical force to get them to do several interesting things for you. They can create new characters for you, open side quests, add new features and options to the game, and on and on. It is a game within the game to play politics, and the software writers had a lot of fun with the notion that all of the "good" politicians end up in the Netherworld.
6. Another feature that adds to the depth is the way you level-up your items. The items all are made powerful or weak due to little spirits (Residents) that dwell within the items. So there is a witch that allows you to enter the item and fight your way around, cleaning out bad spirits and finding the good ones. You can really pump a weapon up, and there are enough levels in each item to fill dozens of hours alone.
There is a lot more cool stuff, but I won’t overwhelming you with nerd-dom. I just wanted to ease back into blogging, so beware. Stay tuned for something more substantial soon…
Horns up.
Nah. I am going to talk about a video game I have just started playing. I am a nerd.
I still haven’t finished Final Fantasy 7. I have put a hold on starting any new game until I beat it. So, almost 10 years after its release, and 60+ hours into this attempt at beating it, I am all saved up and ready for the final assault. The problem is, there are no save points past where I am, so I know it is going to be a 2 hour time investment without a break to finish it (and that is if I don’t get killed!). So many games are sitting in a que, waiting to played in my ever shrinking free time…
But I finally gave in and started, on a whim, Disgaea. It is a strategy RPG, which means you move characters around on a grid, ala table top games. There are plenty of these games out there, but I am instantly addicted, and I may even think it will overthrow Parappa, Final Fantasy 7, Final Fantasy Tactics, and Metal Gear Solid as my new favorite game ever.
The game is a product of Nippon Ichi; a company known for their quirky and unique games (they even made one about a chef that used his cooking skills to save the world… and I am NOT talking about Burgertime). Disgaea itself is a game that has a huge cult following. To find it used is often a chore, let alone new. Even a used copy will cost you $50. The strategy guide is pretty much nonexistent, and if you find the soundtrack CD or the figures, you have a true treasure on your hands.
I won’t bore you about the details of the game, but I will explain some of its sexiest features. I hope you get a chance to see this game in action sometime. I can tell already it is going to be a game that demands well over 50 hours of play (I had 80 into Final Fantasy Tactics I think).
1. The game is basically a comedy RPG. The plot is that you are the teenage prince of darkness, and you slept for 2 years. While you were asleep, your dad died and the kingdom has "went to hell." So, you are out to reclaim the Netherworld in your name. As you can imagine, there is no end to the weird and wacky citizens of your land.
2. Your best friend is a girl who may or may not be trying to kill you. It is hell after all. Anyway, her special technique is conjuring zombie penguins that say "dude!" a lot. They love to work as teams, so whenever you get 2 or 3 helping each other out, the audio is laugh-out-loud hilarious! "Hey dude, here I go dude, duuuuuude! Whoa dude, good job dude!" Just like the Ninja Turtles or the big turtles in Finding Nemo. Oh, and if you pick up one of these penguins (named Prinnies for some reason), and throw them, they explode. So they are both allies and weapons…
3. You can switch off the English audio and hear the original Japanese voice actors. This may seem trivial, but you have to understand that voice acting in Japan is a high quality ordeal. When we localize games for USA, we rarely translate the games right, let alone have any effect in the voice-overs. The English audio often sounds like a high school drama production. The Japanese voice actors really get into their parts, and it adds so much to the game. There are English subtitles so no worries on following the story.
4. The game is not very linear, and the story line sort of takes a back seat to playing. This is a nice break from the overly serious games we see all around (Grand Theft Auto, God of War, Final Fantasy, and so on). If you like a particular level, you can go back and play it. And there is seemingly no end to how high you can level up (I hear 9999 is the max level).
5. For a game that does not take itself or its genre seriously, it has some very deep features. One feature allows you to call The Assembly, a group of hell’s best politicians. You can bribe them, beg them, or even use physical force to get them to do several interesting things for you. They can create new characters for you, open side quests, add new features and options to the game, and on and on. It is a game within the game to play politics, and the software writers had a lot of fun with the notion that all of the "good" politicians end up in the Netherworld.
6. Another feature that adds to the depth is the way you level-up your items. The items all are made powerful or weak due to little spirits (Residents) that dwell within the items. So there is a witch that allows you to enter the item and fight your way around, cleaning out bad spirits and finding the good ones. You can really pump a weapon up, and there are enough levels in each item to fill dozens of hours alone.
There is a lot more cool stuff, but I won’t overwhelming you with nerd-dom. I just wanted to ease back into blogging, so beware. Stay tuned for something more substantial soon…
Horns up.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Could it be that I am not as attractive as I think I am?
Anything is possible, as Jerry Seinfeld replied.
Lately I have been facing a rather hard realization. I am not a popular guy. Not in the aspect of “popular” at parties, or getting a lot of phone calls. Rather, I mean, I am not well liked (at least by an increasing sect of my acquaintances). And I am not going to lie; it is starting to hurt a little.
The reason I get so touchy about it is because I have so few friends. My best friends are scattered across the USA, and my next tier of friends are equally inaccessible. The most recent friends I have made are from Japan and Singapore, so you get the idea of how hard up I am for local friendship. Even my Creighton classmates are sort of out of the picture for the summer.
It is a sort of snowball thing. First I have not so many friends to start with. Then I lose ties to all of the people I met in Norfolk, then the ones from Colorado (many of whom not only quit talking to me but are also angry with me). Then I move back here and bounce around to several temp jobs and I don’t meet anyone new.
I finally get established at the hospital, and as luck would have it, the timing could not have been worse. I’m sorting out a lot of personal problems from the “other man” incident, and I tend not to be myself (or too much myself as it were). So a lot of the pharmacy folks may have a less than favorable view of Carl, even if he has straightened up a bunch. They watched first hand as I went through a complete self tear down and rebuilding. The ones that are my friends are dear friends, as they were there for me in the worst of it. The others, I think, remember my bad days and don’t care to hear excuses.
As I was just getting to where I could deal with that, and had even come to terms with about everyone that I work with, and fortune frowns on me again. A new tech that we recently hired revealed to my friend Pat that he heard “Carl was hard to work with.” This really hurt my feelings. I couldn’t help but wonder who had told him that and what they meant and so on.
Then, as I was just getting over this, I find out that a girl at my other job said some disparaging words about me. The killer part of this is that I go out of my way to treat her decent, even though so often she rubs me the wrong way. Same as with my friend Scott’s girlfriend. We may have clashed in the past, but I go out of my way to be friendly, even sticking up for her when others are on the warpath, even doing what I can to right her mistakes and oversights without pointing them out to others. Then I find out she is bitching about me as soon as I leave and saying stuff to others about my laziness and my oversights. So these two girls, who I with great intent try to treat better than it is my nature to, aren’t on the Carl train.
How do you handle this? I mean, everyone has feelings. I often joke around about myself being a bit of an A-hole, and I am, but I think it has more to do with the fact that it takes me a while to warm up to people. To know me is to love me, or at least that is how the cliché goes. Maybe I judge others to harshly and too quickly, and my decisions are transparent. But I am the first to admit when I was wrong about someone. Another girl that I work with at the drug store is the perfect example.
Jessica is a high school graduate that at first I honestly just wrote off as dingy and white trash. I didn’t treat her as such, but that was my opinion. Then as I worked with her more, I really feel for her. I think she is a sweet girl who I wish good things for. If I was to find out she was hating on me, I would be a bit upset. But no worse than say someone who I think the world of who has decided to not correspond with me at all, for no reason I can discern whatsoever.
There is no joy in Mudville for this blogger. Now I am in a real crisis. Do I act against every fiber of my personality and walk on eggshells to overcompensate so that I am liked? Or do I do as Carl is wont to do, and just recede into myself and continue the superficial A-hole persona? It isn’t that I love people and need constant companionship, I just don’t like being hated, and I especially dislike being ignored by people I love. It is a true dilemma.
SIGH.
Horns up.
Lately I have been facing a rather hard realization. I am not a popular guy. Not in the aspect of “popular” at parties, or getting a lot of phone calls. Rather, I mean, I am not well liked (at least by an increasing sect of my acquaintances). And I am not going to lie; it is starting to hurt a little.
The reason I get so touchy about it is because I have so few friends. My best friends are scattered across the USA, and my next tier of friends are equally inaccessible. The most recent friends I have made are from Japan and Singapore, so you get the idea of how hard up I am for local friendship. Even my Creighton classmates are sort of out of the picture for the summer.
It is a sort of snowball thing. First I have not so many friends to start with. Then I lose ties to all of the people I met in Norfolk, then the ones from Colorado (many of whom not only quit talking to me but are also angry with me). Then I move back here and bounce around to several temp jobs and I don’t meet anyone new.
I finally get established at the hospital, and as luck would have it, the timing could not have been worse. I’m sorting out a lot of personal problems from the “other man” incident, and I tend not to be myself (or too much myself as it were). So a lot of the pharmacy folks may have a less than favorable view of Carl, even if he has straightened up a bunch. They watched first hand as I went through a complete self tear down and rebuilding. The ones that are my friends are dear friends, as they were there for me in the worst of it. The others, I think, remember my bad days and don’t care to hear excuses.
As I was just getting to where I could deal with that, and had even come to terms with about everyone that I work with, and fortune frowns on me again. A new tech that we recently hired revealed to my friend Pat that he heard “Carl was hard to work with.” This really hurt my feelings. I couldn’t help but wonder who had told him that and what they meant and so on.
Then, as I was just getting over this, I find out that a girl at my other job said some disparaging words about me. The killer part of this is that I go out of my way to treat her decent, even though so often she rubs me the wrong way. Same as with my friend Scott’s girlfriend. We may have clashed in the past, but I go out of my way to be friendly, even sticking up for her when others are on the warpath, even doing what I can to right her mistakes and oversights without pointing them out to others. Then I find out she is bitching about me as soon as I leave and saying stuff to others about my laziness and my oversights. So these two girls, who I with great intent try to treat better than it is my nature to, aren’t on the Carl train.
How do you handle this? I mean, everyone has feelings. I often joke around about myself being a bit of an A-hole, and I am, but I think it has more to do with the fact that it takes me a while to warm up to people. To know me is to love me, or at least that is how the cliché goes. Maybe I judge others to harshly and too quickly, and my decisions are transparent. But I am the first to admit when I was wrong about someone. Another girl that I work with at the drug store is the perfect example.
Jessica is a high school graduate that at first I honestly just wrote off as dingy and white trash. I didn’t treat her as such, but that was my opinion. Then as I worked with her more, I really feel for her. I think she is a sweet girl who I wish good things for. If I was to find out she was hating on me, I would be a bit upset. But no worse than say someone who I think the world of who has decided to not correspond with me at all, for no reason I can discern whatsoever.
There is no joy in Mudville for this blogger. Now I am in a real crisis. Do I act against every fiber of my personality and walk on eggshells to overcompensate so that I am liked? Or do I do as Carl is wont to do, and just recede into myself and continue the superficial A-hole persona? It isn’t that I love people and need constant companionship, I just don’t like being hated, and I especially dislike being ignored by people I love. It is a true dilemma.
SIGH.
Horns up.