Monday, March 22, 2004
Worrying about my worries
First things first: I received my first letter back from a pharmacy college. It was from Drake University. I was not accepted. This is a very depressing thing to happen. But, Creighton University is my dream college, and I am hoping that I will be accepted there. I will know between 2 - 3 weeks from Creighton. So, I am very stressed, and worried. For the next two days I am going to shut down operations a little bit, so I may not be updating Blog or sending email until Wednesday or Thursday. Be thinking and praying for me as my future is being decided!
Okay, on to today's blog. I had so much on my mind, I had a hard time focusing it all into one topic for today. Life can be so crazy, so hard...
I thought of a list of things that cause me stress, and I tried to evaluate which items can be helped, which were out of my control, and which are simply needless worry. My list is below, but I will not type how I categorized each item. I would suggest that maybe you all take time to seek your own soul now and then to see where your worries are coming from, and if you can lose any of them. To me, worrying is a thief. It steals your focus from the good things in life, and cause you to waste energy on matters you cannot "fix" on your own. Some items really do deserve attention and energy, but I think 90% of our stress comes from needless worry. I would challege everyone, my self included, to confront each of your worries this week.
Carl's worries (in no particular order)
1. Pharmacy School. I know this is what I want to do, and I know that I am qualified for the job. All I need is the opportunity to prove myself. As I get older, I am running out of time to wait. I need to get in soon. Admission to pharmacy school represents a lot of my hopes: my financial freedom, ability to repay student loans, a vocation through which I can help people, work that is stimulating to my mind, and also validation that I have finally grown up and can tackle any challenge. Entrance is the final goal of my personal hard work over the last four years.
2. My faith. I struggle with finding where I belong in life, and what I believe about the universe around me. I have a hard time defining what I believe in. I want to think these things through very carefully, and I take my faith seriously. I think that sometimes people think that I do not, since I tend to question Christianity so much... but shouldn't we all take great care in researching what we pin our hopes on? I have a hard time deciding if my belief in Jesus is wishful thinking or based in any reality. Did my conversion in high school, and time in Bible college make me "brainwashed" to the point where I will always cling to God? Does my fascination with science cause me to be overly critical of religion? Can God love and forgive an agnostic who honestly just wants the truth? You have no idea how many debates I have within my own head daily about spiritual matters.
3. Love. Its hard to talk about for me, but I want love in my life. I feel like there are times that I have been blessed, and other times where I am spinning my wheels. There are so many different kinds of love, and I want to make sure my life is balanced with all of them. I am jealous of people who seem to have what love I do not, but often thankful for the love I do have. My heart has become sensitive over the last few years, and I spend a lot of time pondering relationships. Friendship, fatherhood, mentoring, brotherly love, soul-mate, childhood, neighbor, and sexual love all are very important to me, as they are with any human. To me, life is about finding love... but then again I know that there is more to love than the reactions of emotions, that so much love is based on effort and hard work.
I hope that I can maintain my integrity, find happiness, and experience all of the love I can... and it is confusing as I think about it. I am nearly 30 years old and I find myself getting crushes still. Sometimes I long for a child of my own, sometimes I wish for a stronger relationship with those in my community who are in need, and other times I long for relationships I simply will never have, like close relationships with my grandparents (who are all passed away) or sexual encounters (that may offend every moral I need to obey). I find myself confused about how I relate to those around me. How do I feel about these people? Have I inappropriately fell in love with them, or is it merely a strong friendship? Do those I feel strong friendship for misunderstand me as loving them? Have I scared friends away because of misunderstanding over feelings, or have I myself avoided people because of misunderstanding? Do I treat my old friends poorly because I cannot stay in touch with them, or is it better than I slowly let the Carl of the past die? Should I apologize for things in the past, when I was a lesser person, or do people understand I am growing up (finally)? Am I growing up at all or am I still a child? Who am I to others, and is it the same as I am to myself? I wonder, do other people agonize over these things?
4. Money. It seems to be a worry that never goes away. I have many levels of worry. My immediate debt (which is low by USA standards, but still overwhelming to me), my student loan debt (that will be due one day or another), how I will pay for Pharmacy School, wishing to be able to afford to buy a home, fearing my car will break down, wondering if I could afford medical problems if I needed to, and so on. I have been fortunate lately to not have to worry about if I can afford food, or rent money. I have a blessed life, and every month I get better and better at living BELOW my means. I wish I could live as Gandhi or Jesus did, without any ties to material things. Material things are traps that suck away time, energy, and money. Yet, I never seem to deny myself a new manga book or soda pop! :(
5. My health. I am overweight, as much of America is. I really have let myself go. It has been over 5 months since I have exercised, and I eat poorly. I worry about health problems in the future for my overuse of caffeine, sugar, and fat. I am not very flexible, I run out of breath easily, and I cannot life very much weight. Already I have felt troubles in my knees from the extra weight. I weight 225 pounds, and the idea weight for my height (6'0") and age (29) is 170 pounds. I have a lot of work to do! I hope I can get motivated soon, before it is too late. I already fear that my fat tummy will be with me always! Being in bad shape also attacks your self esteem. I do not feel as if I ever look good in my clothes. I have a hard time going swimming because I am ashamed of my belly and lack of muscles. Sigh. I guess at least my brain is strong! :)
There are other worries, but I will stop with these ones. These cover most everything. It is sort of embarrassing to admit our worries, but it is nice when you realize you aren't the only one who has troubled thoughts. I am not, am I?
Spring is here now, and that means more time with nature. My worries seem to fade temporarily when I ride my bike, or walk in the woods, or even read a book near the lake. I am finding myself becoming more of an outdoorsman (although to look at my physical self you would never guess that). So, I say bring on the warm sun and green grass. Soon I will be peddling my bike over moderate distances, and getting fresh air into my lazy lungs. Hopefully when I exhale, worries will leave my body! (and maybe the worries will take some fat with them).
Good bye, and I will talk to you in a few days. Please write me still, I will need the encouragement. Have a fantastic week! (and be sure to pray that Creighton accepts me this year!)
Okay, on to today's blog. I had so much on my mind, I had a hard time focusing it all into one topic for today. Life can be so crazy, so hard...
I thought of a list of things that cause me stress, and I tried to evaluate which items can be helped, which were out of my control, and which are simply needless worry. My list is below, but I will not type how I categorized each item. I would suggest that maybe you all take time to seek your own soul now and then to see where your worries are coming from, and if you can lose any of them. To me, worrying is a thief. It steals your focus from the good things in life, and cause you to waste energy on matters you cannot "fix" on your own. Some items really do deserve attention and energy, but I think 90% of our stress comes from needless worry. I would challege everyone, my self included, to confront each of your worries this week.
Carl's worries (in no particular order)
1. Pharmacy School. I know this is what I want to do, and I know that I am qualified for the job. All I need is the opportunity to prove myself. As I get older, I am running out of time to wait. I need to get in soon. Admission to pharmacy school represents a lot of my hopes: my financial freedom, ability to repay student loans, a vocation through which I can help people, work that is stimulating to my mind, and also validation that I have finally grown up and can tackle any challenge. Entrance is the final goal of my personal hard work over the last four years.
2. My faith. I struggle with finding where I belong in life, and what I believe about the universe around me. I have a hard time defining what I believe in. I want to think these things through very carefully, and I take my faith seriously. I think that sometimes people think that I do not, since I tend to question Christianity so much... but shouldn't we all take great care in researching what we pin our hopes on? I have a hard time deciding if my belief in Jesus is wishful thinking or based in any reality. Did my conversion in high school, and time in Bible college make me "brainwashed" to the point where I will always cling to God? Does my fascination with science cause me to be overly critical of religion? Can God love and forgive an agnostic who honestly just wants the truth? You have no idea how many debates I have within my own head daily about spiritual matters.
3. Love. Its hard to talk about for me, but I want love in my life. I feel like there are times that I have been blessed, and other times where I am spinning my wheels. There are so many different kinds of love, and I want to make sure my life is balanced with all of them. I am jealous of people who seem to have what love I do not, but often thankful for the love I do have. My heart has become sensitive over the last few years, and I spend a lot of time pondering relationships. Friendship, fatherhood, mentoring, brotherly love, soul-mate, childhood, neighbor, and sexual love all are very important to me, as they are with any human. To me, life is about finding love... but then again I know that there is more to love than the reactions of emotions, that so much love is based on effort and hard work.
I hope that I can maintain my integrity, find happiness, and experience all of the love I can... and it is confusing as I think about it. I am nearly 30 years old and I find myself getting crushes still. Sometimes I long for a child of my own, sometimes I wish for a stronger relationship with those in my community who are in need, and other times I long for relationships I simply will never have, like close relationships with my grandparents (who are all passed away) or sexual encounters (that may offend every moral I need to obey). I find myself confused about how I relate to those around me. How do I feel about these people? Have I inappropriately fell in love with them, or is it merely a strong friendship? Do those I feel strong friendship for misunderstand me as loving them? Have I scared friends away because of misunderstanding over feelings, or have I myself avoided people because of misunderstanding? Do I treat my old friends poorly because I cannot stay in touch with them, or is it better than I slowly let the Carl of the past die? Should I apologize for things in the past, when I was a lesser person, or do people understand I am growing up (finally)? Am I growing up at all or am I still a child? Who am I to others, and is it the same as I am to myself? I wonder, do other people agonize over these things?
4. Money. It seems to be a worry that never goes away. I have many levels of worry. My immediate debt (which is low by USA standards, but still overwhelming to me), my student loan debt (that will be due one day or another), how I will pay for Pharmacy School, wishing to be able to afford to buy a home, fearing my car will break down, wondering if I could afford medical problems if I needed to, and so on. I have been fortunate lately to not have to worry about if I can afford food, or rent money. I have a blessed life, and every month I get better and better at living BELOW my means. I wish I could live as Gandhi or Jesus did, without any ties to material things. Material things are traps that suck away time, energy, and money. Yet, I never seem to deny myself a new manga book or soda pop! :(
5. My health. I am overweight, as much of America is. I really have let myself go. It has been over 5 months since I have exercised, and I eat poorly. I worry about health problems in the future for my overuse of caffeine, sugar, and fat. I am not very flexible, I run out of breath easily, and I cannot life very much weight. Already I have felt troubles in my knees from the extra weight. I weight 225 pounds, and the idea weight for my height (6'0") and age (29) is 170 pounds. I have a lot of work to do! I hope I can get motivated soon, before it is too late. I already fear that my fat tummy will be with me always! Being in bad shape also attacks your self esteem. I do not feel as if I ever look good in my clothes. I have a hard time going swimming because I am ashamed of my belly and lack of muscles. Sigh. I guess at least my brain is strong! :)
There are other worries, but I will stop with these ones. These cover most everything. It is sort of embarrassing to admit our worries, but it is nice when you realize you aren't the only one who has troubled thoughts. I am not, am I?
Spring is here now, and that means more time with nature. My worries seem to fade temporarily when I ride my bike, or walk in the woods, or even read a book near the lake. I am finding myself becoming more of an outdoorsman (although to look at my physical self you would never guess that). So, I say bring on the warm sun and green grass. Soon I will be peddling my bike over moderate distances, and getting fresh air into my lazy lungs. Hopefully when I exhale, worries will leave my body! (and maybe the worries will take some fat with them).
Good bye, and I will talk to you in a few days. Please write me still, I will need the encouragement. Have a fantastic week! (and be sure to pray that Creighton accepts me this year!)
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