Sunday, May 23, 2004
Maybe Lennon was right.
After listening to the Sunday morning political talk shows, seeing all of the politicians taking stabs at each other, and campaigning when they were supposed to be giving college commencement addresses, I decided that there is already enough hate in the world, so I want to blog about love.
We all feel love. Love for our family, friends, and special people that we may or may not be able to tell. But what if we were to all come clean with our true feelings for one another? What if you could lose your shyness and spill your guts? If you were going to tell someone that you love them, what sorts of things would go through your mind?
1) You'd need to be sure of your feelings first. The word "love" although trivialized in much of our speech, still holds a lot of power behind it. Even though I may say that I love my Playstation, or love Root Beer, I may not be so comfortable telling my brother I love him, let alone a woman! The last thing you want is for your feelings to be misunderstood or unwanted.
2) You'd need to define what sort of love you were talking about. Is it brotherly love, neighborly love, erotic love... the list goes on. Love carries so many connotations, and if you just say "I love you," you are leaving the definition up to the hearer... and that could lead to some crazy assumptions. You may scare a poor girl into getting a restraining order, or may find yourself only communicating your feelings of friendship. It's a loaded word. You need to be prepared to express what kind of love.
3) You'd better be sure of the consequences. Getting the nerve up to express your love in words is one thing, but dealing with the aftermath is another. Are you ready for the relationship to change? Will it hurt or help your life? These sort of things probably hold back a lot of sharing between us humans. We are scared that change will ruin our friendships. Even the strongest relationships can be pretty fragile when the l-o-v-e word comes up for the first time. It is a shame, but that is life.
4) Be ready for it not to reciprocate. People tend to follow "I love you" with "I love you too." It is reflexive, and it takes some of the sting out those three little words. But what if you say it, and you get a blank look. Or a smile. Or a simple "thanks." Or worse yet, a "what?" Love can be very one sided. The heart attaches to people in unexplainable ways, and there is no guarantee that the person you are targeting with affection even knows you exists, or even likes you. I knew a guy in college that told me he told his father that he loved him, and his dad said "knock it off."
5) Be prepared to prove it. As hard as it is to express verbally that you love someone, it is even harder to live as if you mean it. Soon the fun swirl of emotion ends and you have to face tough issues. What happens when there is an argument, or people start to grow apart. What if one person is wronged by the other? Do you cut your losses and eject from the relationship, or do you stay and fight it out?
Loving someone takes a lot of energy, and can be very frustrating. Jesus himself, the icon of love, grew frustrated on a few accounts when his love for others was going through tough times. He expressed this frustration when in John 6. He had just finished a message that was hard for people to understand, because they all had preconceived notions of what Jesus was here to do. They began to turn and leave, and he asked his disciples "Do you not want to leave too?" Again, later in his life, he found his closest friends falling asleep while he prayed in agony over his coming crucifixion. He chided his loved ones for not even being able to stay awake to give him moral support.
Then comes the problem of finding the right way to say it. Some people are desensitized to words, and need action. Some people may only need the simplest consideration and kindness to feel loved. Others long to hear it said. As you can see, it isn't just a matter of seeing someone you care for and saying "hey, I love you." But yet, it is.
In the end, I honestly believe that we live by a very ignorant social code that prevents us from expressing our true feelings to others. We feel as if this expression of truth may expose us for hurt, or may create an environment that forces friendships to stop being superficial. We don't understand true intimacy, and most of us do not want it. I wish this was different.
I wish I could boldly tell people, face to face, what they mean to me. I try to do this, but I usually do so in writing. I have so few friends that I dare not do anything that may jeopardize a realtionship. I have a hard enough time just maintaining superficial friendships as it is, without the heart becoming involved.
Even when I am able to share a little of my feelings, I am not entirely forthright. I want to know that if I was to die tomorrow, which always is a possibility, that the people who mattered most to me know that they were in my heart. I haven't done this fully, and I don't know if I will be able to. There is an uneasiness in my soul because I have not yet shared everything I need to.
I mentioned earlier this week that my grandmother's death was traumatic to me. It was so in a very "inner" way. It tore me apart inside, but I never really shared it or showed it. I was only a teenager when it happened, and really hadn't discovered my heart yet. The older I grew, the more I pained that I never once was able to tell grandma how much I lvoed her, and how special she was to me. I'm sure she felt loved, but maybe had no idea how deep of a footprint she left in my life.
I'd hate to miss sharing with someone now that I understand the pain that silence brings. There are times when my pen is furiously carving out a letter of Shakespearian sonnet-like depth... but then it only ends up in the garbage can. I worry that there are a few people in my life that I haven't been able to connect with properly. There is so much fear and pain behind the act of sharing your innermost passion.
I would challenge everyone to search their hearts and see if there isn't at least one person that they need to approach. A lto fo us may have neglected telling our parents that we appreciate them. For others of us, it is our siblings. Maybe its a spouse, or a boyfriend. Maybe its a classmate or even a person who was just there for you at a key time. It could make a big difference, and may be the start of a beautiful, deep, meaningful relationship that you otherwise would have missed.
Caution: do not forget my warnings above either. You may end up hurt by your attempt. The American culture loves self expression, but still frowns on expression of love. This is especially true when it comes to family relationships, or male-male relationships. But isn't honesty and truthfulness of greater value than a little social taboo?
Meanwhile, across the world people are being snuffed out like candles. Bullets and explosives are tearing lives from our earth, and it isn't just the so-called "bad guys" who are doing the murdering. Disagreement and hate are resulting in very serious actions. I even fear that this climate of violent hate is soon coming to our own shores. The world is not a safe place anymore, and it is only a matter of time for we Americans before we see tragedy again.
Doesn't that place an urgency on our need to connect with others? The months after 9-11 surely caused some introspection, and people began to value the need for intimacy. But that faded. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we could just express true love for one another as easily as we find it to express disagreement?
See ya next time! Love ya! ;)
We all feel love. Love for our family, friends, and special people that we may or may not be able to tell. But what if we were to all come clean with our true feelings for one another? What if you could lose your shyness and spill your guts? If you were going to tell someone that you love them, what sorts of things would go through your mind?
1) You'd need to be sure of your feelings first. The word "love" although trivialized in much of our speech, still holds a lot of power behind it. Even though I may say that I love my Playstation, or love Root Beer, I may not be so comfortable telling my brother I love him, let alone a woman! The last thing you want is for your feelings to be misunderstood or unwanted.
2) You'd need to define what sort of love you were talking about. Is it brotherly love, neighborly love, erotic love... the list goes on. Love carries so many connotations, and if you just say "I love you," you are leaving the definition up to the hearer... and that could lead to some crazy assumptions. You may scare a poor girl into getting a restraining order, or may find yourself only communicating your feelings of friendship. It's a loaded word. You need to be prepared to express what kind of love.
3) You'd better be sure of the consequences. Getting the nerve up to express your love in words is one thing, but dealing with the aftermath is another. Are you ready for the relationship to change? Will it hurt or help your life? These sort of things probably hold back a lot of sharing between us humans. We are scared that change will ruin our friendships. Even the strongest relationships can be pretty fragile when the l-o-v-e word comes up for the first time. It is a shame, but that is life.
4) Be ready for it not to reciprocate. People tend to follow "I love you" with "I love you too." It is reflexive, and it takes some of the sting out those three little words. But what if you say it, and you get a blank look. Or a smile. Or a simple "thanks." Or worse yet, a "what?" Love can be very one sided. The heart attaches to people in unexplainable ways, and there is no guarantee that the person you are targeting with affection even knows you exists, or even likes you. I knew a guy in college that told me he told his father that he loved him, and his dad said "knock it off."
5) Be prepared to prove it. As hard as it is to express verbally that you love someone, it is even harder to live as if you mean it. Soon the fun swirl of emotion ends and you have to face tough issues. What happens when there is an argument, or people start to grow apart. What if one person is wronged by the other? Do you cut your losses and eject from the relationship, or do you stay and fight it out?
Loving someone takes a lot of energy, and can be very frustrating. Jesus himself, the icon of love, grew frustrated on a few accounts when his love for others was going through tough times. He expressed this frustration when in John 6. He had just finished a message that was hard for people to understand, because they all had preconceived notions of what Jesus was here to do. They began to turn and leave, and he asked his disciples "Do you not want to leave too?" Again, later in his life, he found his closest friends falling asleep while he prayed in agony over his coming crucifixion. He chided his loved ones for not even being able to stay awake to give him moral support.
Then comes the problem of finding the right way to say it. Some people are desensitized to words, and need action. Some people may only need the simplest consideration and kindness to feel loved. Others long to hear it said. As you can see, it isn't just a matter of seeing someone you care for and saying "hey, I love you." But yet, it is.
In the end, I honestly believe that we live by a very ignorant social code that prevents us from expressing our true feelings to others. We feel as if this expression of truth may expose us for hurt, or may create an environment that forces friendships to stop being superficial. We don't understand true intimacy, and most of us do not want it. I wish this was different.
I wish I could boldly tell people, face to face, what they mean to me. I try to do this, but I usually do so in writing. I have so few friends that I dare not do anything that may jeopardize a realtionship. I have a hard enough time just maintaining superficial friendships as it is, without the heart becoming involved.
Even when I am able to share a little of my feelings, I am not entirely forthright. I want to know that if I was to die tomorrow, which always is a possibility, that the people who mattered most to me know that they were in my heart. I haven't done this fully, and I don't know if I will be able to. There is an uneasiness in my soul because I have not yet shared everything I need to.
I mentioned earlier this week that my grandmother's death was traumatic to me. It was so in a very "inner" way. It tore me apart inside, but I never really shared it or showed it. I was only a teenager when it happened, and really hadn't discovered my heart yet. The older I grew, the more I pained that I never once was able to tell grandma how much I lvoed her, and how special she was to me. I'm sure she felt loved, but maybe had no idea how deep of a footprint she left in my life.
I'd hate to miss sharing with someone now that I understand the pain that silence brings. There are times when my pen is furiously carving out a letter of Shakespearian sonnet-like depth... but then it only ends up in the garbage can. I worry that there are a few people in my life that I haven't been able to connect with properly. There is so much fear and pain behind the act of sharing your innermost passion.
I would challenge everyone to search their hearts and see if there isn't at least one person that they need to approach. A lto fo us may have neglected telling our parents that we appreciate them. For others of us, it is our siblings. Maybe its a spouse, or a boyfriend. Maybe its a classmate or even a person who was just there for you at a key time. It could make a big difference, and may be the start of a beautiful, deep, meaningful relationship that you otherwise would have missed.
Caution: do not forget my warnings above either. You may end up hurt by your attempt. The American culture loves self expression, but still frowns on expression of love. This is especially true when it comes to family relationships, or male-male relationships. But isn't honesty and truthfulness of greater value than a little social taboo?
Meanwhile, across the world people are being snuffed out like candles. Bullets and explosives are tearing lives from our earth, and it isn't just the so-called "bad guys" who are doing the murdering. Disagreement and hate are resulting in very serious actions. I even fear that this climate of violent hate is soon coming to our own shores. The world is not a safe place anymore, and it is only a matter of time for we Americans before we see tragedy again.
Doesn't that place an urgency on our need to connect with others? The months after 9-11 surely caused some introspection, and people began to value the need for intimacy. But that faded. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we could just express true love for one another as easily as we find it to express disagreement?
See ya next time! Love ya! ;)
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