Wednesday, June 09, 2004
My Two Dads.
The United States must be a terribly frustrating place for anthropologists. It seems to me that there are no end of subcultures within our nation, and each has its own familial hierarchies.
My own family is what it is; not great, but not bad. I was reminded today at how complex things are when I spent time with both my own father, as well as my father-in-law.
These two men are very similar (I guess that comes with being a dad), but also very different. Both have served our country in the armed forces (albeit one was in post WWII Europe, and the other was in the Vietnam conflict). Both will do anything they can to help someone in need, and both love their families. My father-in-law is a small business man with a formal education. My own father is an elevator mechanic with little education. It is almost a true city-boy vs. country-boy comparison.
But rather than pick apart where each is lacking, I'd like to discuss my own shortcomings in how I interact with them. I have been struggling with "who I am" a lot as I get older, and I realized today that I'm very different people depending on which person I am around... and neither is my true self.
For my father-in-law, I try as hard as I can to be respectful. I want him to think that I am doing all I can to give his daughter a good life. I try to hide any sign that I am frustrated with her, or that I often wonder about the "what if's" my life would have had without her in it. I am embarrassed of my failures in front of him, because he is successful and because it undermines his own daughter's ability to choose a proper mate. I joke with him, but I try to stay reserved. I like him very much, and I respect him... but I'm not myself around him.
As for my own father, I am more relaxed, but still not myself. I am more apt to show my weakness, but often it is because I am hoping he will offer to bail me out. I try to make my accomplishments apparent when we talk, because I want desperately for him to be proud of me. I want him to know that regardless of how the Smith family's life was, that I turned out very good. I also find myself trying to direct the conversation to areas of his interest. I can only figure that this is some sort of psychological thing that children do. We'll talk about things I don;t even care about, like Nascar and guns. Luckily for me, he is also very curious about nature and science.
The contrast of these men is very stark. It goes clear down to the way they dress, their daily routines, and how they relate to others. But even more stark is the contrast of the two Carl's that appear around these men. I feel like I am still auditioning for one, and showing off for the other. I want one to accept that I have great potential, and the other to realize I have already achieved a lot.
The problem really comes that neither of these are "Carl." The most Carl-like I am is when I write this Blog, or talk to three particular friends of mine. That's it. Other than that, you can rest assured that there is something being held back. For some of you its my failures. For others I am holding back disappointment. It could be that I am hiding a deep love for some of you, and for others I may be doing the worst of all relational offenses... being a friend upfront, but enemy inside.
Some of you may have no idea at all what I think of you. Of God. Of life. Of myself. Am I a pessimist, or optimist? Many of you will debate that. Am I a giver or a taker? Am I selfless or selfish? Am I good Christian or a good humanist or a total fraud? Am I good husband or bad? Friend? Worker? Lover? Do I make a difference at all, and is it a good one or bad one if I do?
I think about this stuff a lot. Maybe this is why I'm not good at making real friends. The few I have are all quite by accident, or Providence. I had a prolonged and uncomfortable adolescence (like 20 years), and just now am putting myself into perspective. I know my weaknesses well now, and it has made me a better person, who is continuing to improve. I'll let you down sooner or later, but at least my average length of time between meeting you and letting you down is getting longer. Or is it? : )
It's a hard thing to do, setting out to figure out who you are. Almost always you end up ashamed, or confused, or just plain scared. I guess the best thing to do is just be yourself and quit trying to be yourself. You'll make mistakes along the way, and make a few regrets, but in the end you'll at least have been honest with Y-O-U.
So, I would like to say that by reading this Blog, you are tapping in to the real Carl. I may not be doing too many "big reveals," at least not yet, but I can assure when I type this, there is little planning involved. It is the real me, coming through the keyboard. Welcome.
See ya.
My own family is what it is; not great, but not bad. I was reminded today at how complex things are when I spent time with both my own father, as well as my father-in-law.
These two men are very similar (I guess that comes with being a dad), but also very different. Both have served our country in the armed forces (albeit one was in post WWII Europe, and the other was in the Vietnam conflict). Both will do anything they can to help someone in need, and both love their families. My father-in-law is a small business man with a formal education. My own father is an elevator mechanic with little education. It is almost a true city-boy vs. country-boy comparison.
But rather than pick apart where each is lacking, I'd like to discuss my own shortcomings in how I interact with them. I have been struggling with "who I am" a lot as I get older, and I realized today that I'm very different people depending on which person I am around... and neither is my true self.
For my father-in-law, I try as hard as I can to be respectful. I want him to think that I am doing all I can to give his daughter a good life. I try to hide any sign that I am frustrated with her, or that I often wonder about the "what if's" my life would have had without her in it. I am embarrassed of my failures in front of him, because he is successful and because it undermines his own daughter's ability to choose a proper mate. I joke with him, but I try to stay reserved. I like him very much, and I respect him... but I'm not myself around him.
As for my own father, I am more relaxed, but still not myself. I am more apt to show my weakness, but often it is because I am hoping he will offer to bail me out. I try to make my accomplishments apparent when we talk, because I want desperately for him to be proud of me. I want him to know that regardless of how the Smith family's life was, that I turned out very good. I also find myself trying to direct the conversation to areas of his interest. I can only figure that this is some sort of psychological thing that children do. We'll talk about things I don;t even care about, like Nascar and guns. Luckily for me, he is also very curious about nature and science.
The contrast of these men is very stark. It goes clear down to the way they dress, their daily routines, and how they relate to others. But even more stark is the contrast of the two Carl's that appear around these men. I feel like I am still auditioning for one, and showing off for the other. I want one to accept that I have great potential, and the other to realize I have already achieved a lot.
The problem really comes that neither of these are "Carl." The most Carl-like I am is when I write this Blog, or talk to three particular friends of mine. That's it. Other than that, you can rest assured that there is something being held back. For some of you its my failures. For others I am holding back disappointment. It could be that I am hiding a deep love for some of you, and for others I may be doing the worst of all relational offenses... being a friend upfront, but enemy inside.
Some of you may have no idea at all what I think of you. Of God. Of life. Of myself. Am I a pessimist, or optimist? Many of you will debate that. Am I a giver or a taker? Am I selfless or selfish? Am I good Christian or a good humanist or a total fraud? Am I good husband or bad? Friend? Worker? Lover? Do I make a difference at all, and is it a good one or bad one if I do?
I think about this stuff a lot. Maybe this is why I'm not good at making real friends. The few I have are all quite by accident, or Providence. I had a prolonged and uncomfortable adolescence (like 20 years), and just now am putting myself into perspective. I know my weaknesses well now, and it has made me a better person, who is continuing to improve. I'll let you down sooner or later, but at least my average length of time between meeting you and letting you down is getting longer. Or is it? : )
It's a hard thing to do, setting out to figure out who you are. Almost always you end up ashamed, or confused, or just plain scared. I guess the best thing to do is just be yourself and quit trying to be yourself. You'll make mistakes along the way, and make a few regrets, but in the end you'll at least have been honest with Y-O-U.
So, I would like to say that by reading this Blog, you are tapping in to the real Carl. I may not be doing too many "big reveals," at least not yet, but I can assure when I type this, there is little planning involved. It is the real me, coming through the keyboard. Welcome.
See ya.
Comments:
Post a Comment