Wednesday, August 25, 2004
"I want to be more than yesterday."
Life has a funny way of changing us. The older we get, the less like the old “us” we become. But the truth of the matter is, as these changes come, we are becoming more like the real “us.” This isn’t to say we don’t change for the worse sometimes, but it is inevitable that we are all in a state of “becoming” as we age.
A lot of us would like to either change choices in our pasts, or at least wipe memory of our past selves from the minds of others. Maybe we treated our bodies too harshly with drugs, alcohol, and poor diets. Maybe we neglected family who are no longer around. Maybe we wasted time and money by choosing the wrong college, career, or hobbies. Maybe we were too free with sharing ourselves sexually; leaving us with emotional scars (like the inability to appreciate true intimacy) or STDs. Maybe credit cards became a toy to us, leaving us with debts we now struggle to fight. Or, maybe we paired up with a spouse too early; before we had a true sense of who we were in relation to our world and our futures.
This line of regret is not only for those of us who have not achieved great things. It does not mean that the person feeling it is weak in any way. In the early 1900’s, Albert Einstein helped develop theories and procedures that allowed the US to develop the atomic bomb. After the American bombing of Hiroshima, Einstein was mortified. He once commented that if he had known how they were going to his research, he would have become a shoemaker.
My point is this; we can’t do much about our past. Who we are becoming is more important. We need to learn from our mistakes, and try to make fewer of them. I myself am humiliated by my own past actions, but I can’t do anything about that. But I found a little personal sanity because I have slowly began to “be myself” lately. I have decided, like the words of the Polyphonic Spree song (and title of this post) “I want to be more than yesterday.” I want to take stock of where I am heading, daily, and make needed adjustments to get there.
I can’t focus on a rude comment I made to someone I now wish to be friends with. I mope about lost opportunities and dollars. I can’t obsess about the “what could have been’s” (as my friend Phuong reminded me… but it is fun to think about them sometimes). It’s too unrealistic and unfair to assume that the women I feel would have been perfect candidates for wives would even want to have been with me in the first place (grin).
I can’t feel bad about doing a poor job as a minister, just as I can’t feel bad about the times I did too good of a job, when in my own heart I wasn’t convicted. My fat gut, my bad posture, my lack of athletic prowess, lack of social contacts, the money I have wasted, words I have avoiding saying to people I love, and extensive knowledge of Nintendo games rather than car maintenance… all that hindsight leads to waste and depression.
I already feel as if I am a different person than I was a week ago. After a week of orientation, and two days of classes, I suddenly feel like a pharmacy student. I feel proud that I have made it this far, and humble that I have been given the mind and the opportunity to fill such an important role in society. I just hope that I always respect the job, and seek to do the most good that I can. As the credo at Creighton goes, I hope that I am a man for others.
The changes time brings are good, and can be used for good. MK Gandhi was a lawyer in his younger days, and we all know how he finished his life. CS Lewis was an atheist, and he became one of modern Christianity’s most literate defenders. In contrast, writer Michael Shermer was an evangelical Christian and left the fold to defend logic and science over myth and mysticism. The point is, we rarely stay static. If we do, then we are not spending enough time on introspection.
As we build a database of knowledge and experience, we not only see ourselves change, but also we see the things that we value change. We need to act on this change, and try to make a positive difference in our own lives, as well as the lives of others. If it means changing careers, religions, lifestyles, or even residencies, it needs to be done.
So encourage me if you see me dwelling on the old Carl (like moping about being 29 and just now entering Pharmacy School), and I will likewise encourage you to become something great (like a doctor… yes I am talking to you Sara!). As Confucius said, we shouldn’t feel bad about the good qualities in ourselves that others fail to recognize… we should feel bad about the good qualities in others we don’t acknowledge. I hope all of my friends and classmates do great things on this planet!
See ya!
A lot of us would like to either change choices in our pasts, or at least wipe memory of our past selves from the minds of others. Maybe we treated our bodies too harshly with drugs, alcohol, and poor diets. Maybe we neglected family who are no longer around. Maybe we wasted time and money by choosing the wrong college, career, or hobbies. Maybe we were too free with sharing ourselves sexually; leaving us with emotional scars (like the inability to appreciate true intimacy) or STDs. Maybe credit cards became a toy to us, leaving us with debts we now struggle to fight. Or, maybe we paired up with a spouse too early; before we had a true sense of who we were in relation to our world and our futures.
This line of regret is not only for those of us who have not achieved great things. It does not mean that the person feeling it is weak in any way. In the early 1900’s, Albert Einstein helped develop theories and procedures that allowed the US to develop the atomic bomb. After the American bombing of Hiroshima, Einstein was mortified. He once commented that if he had known how they were going to his research, he would have become a shoemaker.
My point is this; we can’t do much about our past. Who we are becoming is more important. We need to learn from our mistakes, and try to make fewer of them. I myself am humiliated by my own past actions, but I can’t do anything about that. But I found a little personal sanity because I have slowly began to “be myself” lately. I have decided, like the words of the Polyphonic Spree song (and title of this post) “I want to be more than yesterday.” I want to take stock of where I am heading, daily, and make needed adjustments to get there.
I can’t focus on a rude comment I made to someone I now wish to be friends with. I mope about lost opportunities and dollars. I can’t obsess about the “what could have been’s” (as my friend Phuong reminded me… but it is fun to think about them sometimes). It’s too unrealistic and unfair to assume that the women I feel would have been perfect candidates for wives would even want to have been with me in the first place (grin).
I can’t feel bad about doing a poor job as a minister, just as I can’t feel bad about the times I did too good of a job, when in my own heart I wasn’t convicted. My fat gut, my bad posture, my lack of athletic prowess, lack of social contacts, the money I have wasted, words I have avoiding saying to people I love, and extensive knowledge of Nintendo games rather than car maintenance… all that hindsight leads to waste and depression.
I already feel as if I am a different person than I was a week ago. After a week of orientation, and two days of classes, I suddenly feel like a pharmacy student. I feel proud that I have made it this far, and humble that I have been given the mind and the opportunity to fill such an important role in society. I just hope that I always respect the job, and seek to do the most good that I can. As the credo at Creighton goes, I hope that I am a man for others.
The changes time brings are good, and can be used for good. MK Gandhi was a lawyer in his younger days, and we all know how he finished his life. CS Lewis was an atheist, and he became one of modern Christianity’s most literate defenders. In contrast, writer Michael Shermer was an evangelical Christian and left the fold to defend logic and science over myth and mysticism. The point is, we rarely stay static. If we do, then we are not spending enough time on introspection.
As we build a database of knowledge and experience, we not only see ourselves change, but also we see the things that we value change. We need to act on this change, and try to make a positive difference in our own lives, as well as the lives of others. If it means changing careers, religions, lifestyles, or even residencies, it needs to be done.
So encourage me if you see me dwelling on the old Carl (like moping about being 29 and just now entering Pharmacy School), and I will likewise encourage you to become something great (like a doctor… yes I am talking to you Sara!). As Confucius said, we shouldn’t feel bad about the good qualities in ourselves that others fail to recognize… we should feel bad about the good qualities in others we don’t acknowledge. I hope all of my friends and classmates do great things on this planet!
See ya!
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