Tuesday, September 21, 2004
One really is the loneliest number.
Nothing is worse than knowing that something is wrong with you, and not being able to overcome it. Ever since my stint at Nebraska Christian College, I have had a huge hole in my life. I have sorely missed the camaraderie and fellowship I had with others in the dormitories. And this has been about 7 years now. And nothing I can do manages to fix it.
I used to be able and poke my head out of my dorm room door and find someone to do something with. Paul, Ed, Jason, Nate, Matt, and Kelly were always milling about. And beyond that were another tier of people I liked too, and were often up for some mischief (like Donovan, another Nate, Michael, Shannon, and so on). For a short time in Colorado, I had a similar arrangement; I could always count on Mike, Rich, Daniella, David, Darren, and John to be available to goof around. But not any more.
Now I find myself scheming constantly. How can I build a network of friends again? Will I ever be able to find someone to hang out with I need it? The friends I have now are few, but great. Rich and Paul are still there, but miles away. Nate is 30 minutes away and has a family and a lot of time commitments of his own. Pat and Scott are both fun, but our schedules never match up. Sara and Phuong are, well, perfect… but they have their own lives, own friends, and own families (not to mention I often feel nervous to call them to do things). For a brief, shiny moment we had an impromptu golf “club” this summer, but it was ruined by school (and was becoming expensive).
My newest acquaintances from pharmacy school all seem to be great people, but I don’t necessarily feel included (partly because I myself am off campus and work so much). And all of these people (other than Rich and Paul) have one big thing in common: they aren’t interested in the things that I am.
It’s been a lonely life these last few years, and nothing reminded me of that more than today. After a long day of classes, all I wanted to do was be outside. I wanted to play tennis, badly. So I changed into my clothes, and picked up the phone. Pat was at work. Mark was at work, and uninterested. Matt was at work and has a full schedule until next week. Sandy was at work, and tired. So, what is a guy to do?
I made a phone call earlier Monday to see about getting into a tennis league. No return-call yet. And, it looks like the league not only meets at a time I may not be able to play, it is going to cost me money, and be with complete strangers. I have posted my name up at the Creighton gymnasium to find racquetball and tennis partners; I have had 2 calls. Both have schedules that conflict with mine. I even sent a mass email out to everyone in my class about playing tennis. Two replies; one to tell me how to reserve court time (but not interested in tennis) and the other to give me a name of a friend that plays tennis. And guess what? He has a busy schedule as well.
It’s been like this with everything. Playing chess; I had to teach a lady at work’s 6th grade daughter how to do correspondence chess to play. Softball; my own church won’t even call me back when the team forms. Racquetball; although I get to play with Scott off and on, it isn’t nearly often enough as I would like. Watching football; I have to lure my brother over with the prospect of free food to watch a game with me (even then he leaves early). Watching movies? I have to loan movies to friends and try to get them to watch them, or email my friend Rich, and pray we’ve seen the same film. Manga? Forget about it. I have bought books for people, loaned books, started a web site, even tried to go to a club meeting in Omaha, but nothing was clicking. Intellectual and religious discussions? Well, there is this blog, but I miss the exchange of ideas and formulation of points that come with debating in class (I completely miss my anthropology courses).
I have taken on email friends from Japan, which is nice, but I haven’t been able to keep up email as much as I would have liked. I almost joined a frat, which would have seriously frustrated me (being older, less “social,” and less single than the other members). At church I feel like I do not have a population similar to me at all. I signed up for an adult soccer league that never formed, and joined a book club that disbanded a week after I called. My last solace is in the world of RPG videogames, and I haven’t been playing them much any more.
One is the loneliest number. As I grow older, I start to miss the companionship I used to have, and will probably never have again. Even with mass communication making the world a smaller place, I feel increasingly frustrated at my lack of friendship. In some ways, this blog is all I have left: the hope that I can communicate about my thoughts and hobbies with my friends (at their leisure). I wonder, do any of you feel the same? Do you miss your undergrad years of dorm/apartment life? Are there “glory days” that you wish you could return to, yet remain in your current life?
To end, when I got home and could get a hold of no one, I did what I could… I loaded up my backpack and headed to the court by myself. I practices serving for an hour. And you know what? I had fun. But it was lonely fun. Man I miss living in room 325.
See ya! : )
I used to be able and poke my head out of my dorm room door and find someone to do something with. Paul, Ed, Jason, Nate, Matt, and Kelly were always milling about. And beyond that were another tier of people I liked too, and were often up for some mischief (like Donovan, another Nate, Michael, Shannon, and so on). For a short time in Colorado, I had a similar arrangement; I could always count on Mike, Rich, Daniella, David, Darren, and John to be available to goof around. But not any more.
Now I find myself scheming constantly. How can I build a network of friends again? Will I ever be able to find someone to hang out with I need it? The friends I have now are few, but great. Rich and Paul are still there, but miles away. Nate is 30 minutes away and has a family and a lot of time commitments of his own. Pat and Scott are both fun, but our schedules never match up. Sara and Phuong are, well, perfect… but they have their own lives, own friends, and own families (not to mention I often feel nervous to call them to do things). For a brief, shiny moment we had an impromptu golf “club” this summer, but it was ruined by school (and was becoming expensive).
My newest acquaintances from pharmacy school all seem to be great people, but I don’t necessarily feel included (partly because I myself am off campus and work so much). And all of these people (other than Rich and Paul) have one big thing in common: they aren’t interested in the things that I am.
It’s been a lonely life these last few years, and nothing reminded me of that more than today. After a long day of classes, all I wanted to do was be outside. I wanted to play tennis, badly. So I changed into my clothes, and picked up the phone. Pat was at work. Mark was at work, and uninterested. Matt was at work and has a full schedule until next week. Sandy was at work, and tired. So, what is a guy to do?
I made a phone call earlier Monday to see about getting into a tennis league. No return-call yet. And, it looks like the league not only meets at a time I may not be able to play, it is going to cost me money, and be with complete strangers. I have posted my name up at the Creighton gymnasium to find racquetball and tennis partners; I have had 2 calls. Both have schedules that conflict with mine. I even sent a mass email out to everyone in my class about playing tennis. Two replies; one to tell me how to reserve court time (but not interested in tennis) and the other to give me a name of a friend that plays tennis. And guess what? He has a busy schedule as well.
It’s been like this with everything. Playing chess; I had to teach a lady at work’s 6th grade daughter how to do correspondence chess to play. Softball; my own church won’t even call me back when the team forms. Racquetball; although I get to play with Scott off and on, it isn’t nearly often enough as I would like. Watching football; I have to lure my brother over with the prospect of free food to watch a game with me (even then he leaves early). Watching movies? I have to loan movies to friends and try to get them to watch them, or email my friend Rich, and pray we’ve seen the same film. Manga? Forget about it. I have bought books for people, loaned books, started a web site, even tried to go to a club meeting in Omaha, but nothing was clicking. Intellectual and religious discussions? Well, there is this blog, but I miss the exchange of ideas and formulation of points that come with debating in class (I completely miss my anthropology courses).
I have taken on email friends from Japan, which is nice, but I haven’t been able to keep up email as much as I would have liked. I almost joined a frat, which would have seriously frustrated me (being older, less “social,” and less single than the other members). At church I feel like I do not have a population similar to me at all. I signed up for an adult soccer league that never formed, and joined a book club that disbanded a week after I called. My last solace is in the world of RPG videogames, and I haven’t been playing them much any more.
One is the loneliest number. As I grow older, I start to miss the companionship I used to have, and will probably never have again. Even with mass communication making the world a smaller place, I feel increasingly frustrated at my lack of friendship. In some ways, this blog is all I have left: the hope that I can communicate about my thoughts and hobbies with my friends (at their leisure). I wonder, do any of you feel the same? Do you miss your undergrad years of dorm/apartment life? Are there “glory days” that you wish you could return to, yet remain in your current life?
To end, when I got home and could get a hold of no one, I did what I could… I loaded up my backpack and headed to the court by myself. I practices serving for an hour. And you know what? I had fun. But it was lonely fun. Man I miss living in room 325.
See ya! : )
Comments:
hi Carl, i sent u an email a while back cuz i really find your blog interesting. (u visited my friend's blog, left a comment, and I visited ur blog.)
I was surprised to find such a somber blog entry, most of your ponderings are so witty and intelligent. Well, I don't have much advice to give (cuz yeah I'm only 16 years old), and it seems u have exercised so many different options in an effort to meet people.
yeeks, i've heard how blah and lonely life can become after college, I wonder how all the other ppl in this country/world get off forming a new network of friends. So all I can do is wish you luck, u seem like a nice guy, give it some time, hopefully things'll get better.
I was surprised to find such a somber blog entry, most of your ponderings are so witty and intelligent. Well, I don't have much advice to give (cuz yeah I'm only 16 years old), and it seems u have exercised so many different options in an effort to meet people.
yeeks, i've heard how blah and lonely life can become after college, I wonder how all the other ppl in this country/world get off forming a new network of friends. So all I can do is wish you luck, u seem like a nice guy, give it some time, hopefully things'll get better.
hi Carl, i sent u an email a while back cuz i really find your blog interesting. (u visited my friend's blog, left a comment, and I visited ur blog.)
I was surprised to find such a somber blog entry, most of your ponderings are so witty and intelligent. Well, I don't have much advice to give (cuz yeah I'm only 16 years old), and it seems u have exercised so many different options in an effort to meet people.
yeeks, i've heard how blah and lonely life can become after college, I wonder how all the other ppl in this country/world get off forming a new network of friends. So all I can do is wish you luck, u seem like a nice guy, give it some time, hopefully things'll get better.
I was surprised to find such a somber blog entry, most of your ponderings are so witty and intelligent. Well, I don't have much advice to give (cuz yeah I'm only 16 years old), and it seems u have exercised so many different options in an effort to meet people.
yeeks, i've heard how blah and lonely life can become after college, I wonder how all the other ppl in this country/world get off forming a new network of friends. So all I can do is wish you luck, u seem like a nice guy, give it some time, hopefully things'll get better.
Hi!
I'm sorry that you're feeling so lonely. Perhaps your friends will try to stay in touch a bit more now that they know how you feel. I guess I better enjoy these days while they last. (Thanks for giving me a new perspective so I know just how wonderful what I have right now really is!)
I think that maybe you should get back into RPG video games. I always like to play them when I'm feeling bored, and they're a good way to pass the time.
I hope things start to look up for you!
I'm sorry that you're feeling so lonely. Perhaps your friends will try to stay in touch a bit more now that they know how you feel. I guess I better enjoy these days while they last. (Thanks for giving me a new perspective so I know just how wonderful what I have right now really is!)
I think that maybe you should get back into RPG video games. I always like to play them when I'm feeling bored, and they're a good way to pass the time.
I hope things start to look up for you!
Hi Carl,
So I am returning the favor and posting a comment to your blog. And I couldn't help but to identify somewhat with the feelings that you describe in your post. I have been out of college for quite some time now, and I have definitely gone through periods where I missed having my college friends around me.
But, I also believe that life will eventually bring what you are looking for. What has worked for me is learning to let myself let go of those feelings that any part of my life was the "glory days", and focus instead on the things in my life now that make me feel good. Somehow, by doing this, I have found very good friends around me that I hadn't noticed before.
So I've learned that wanting things to be the way they were is not any way to live life. You have to accept what there is and go from there. It's not easy, but if you can push yourself there, I think it's worth the trouble.
Post a Comment
So I am returning the favor and posting a comment to your blog. And I couldn't help but to identify somewhat with the feelings that you describe in your post. I have been out of college for quite some time now, and I have definitely gone through periods where I missed having my college friends around me.
But, I also believe that life will eventually bring what you are looking for. What has worked for me is learning to let myself let go of those feelings that any part of my life was the "glory days", and focus instead on the things in my life now that make me feel good. Somehow, by doing this, I have found very good friends around me that I hadn't noticed before.
So I've learned that wanting things to be the way they were is not any way to live life. You have to accept what there is and go from there. It's not easy, but if you can push yourself there, I think it's worth the trouble.