Wednesday, January 05, 2005
The screen is us and we're TV.
Yo! Another fantastic wintry Iowa day. It is 8 degrees F and snow is blowing everywhere. In an hour they expect it to start falling at a rate of an inch per hour. Yikes! I have to work today at 4 PM and I wonder if they won't just close the drug store early. The doctor's clinics in town are all closing early, so even if I do go to work, there won't be much to do.
As I sit here rocking out to Marilyn Manson (which would probably make him mad if he knew), I am still thinking about last night's "The Biggest Loser." That show pumps me up to exercise when I watch it, and then the next day her I am; fat and lazy, and craving every possible bad food that exists. I am really starting to hate myself for not being mature enough to stay committed to my health. I weigh 222 as of this morning, and that is gross. Better than my 230 of last summer, but worse than the 210 I was at in October.
The real stab to the heart came yesterday at the Pott. County DMV. I had to renew my driver's license, and when they asked my weight, I told them 215. I figured that was a realistic weight to put on, because I am bound to shed a few of this winter pounds soon. But, to my surprise, the license says 251 lbs. The girl transposed the numbers, and I did not want to wait in line to fix it. Then I got to thinking...
1) it didn't seem outlandish to the people checking my data that I was 251. :(
2) 251 isn't all that far away from where I am/was recently
3) The folks on Biggest Loser who are around my weight look way better than I do.
So, for the next 5 years, I have this plastic reminder of my eternal gross-ness. Oh well. I guess I can use it as motivation. The thing is, Biggest Loser, despite having a slight mean-spirited undertone when it started, has become a fantastic TV show. Of all of the so called "reality" TV, I think that this is perhaps the most real to me. These people struggle with the things real people do... the will to eat poorly, the laziness of avoiding exercise, the need for some loving support in changing their lives... Far more real to me than beautiful people stuck on an island. When I saw Maurice's audition tape, I almost cried. He was sitting in his car eating fast food on his way home from work... that is me! I do that from time to time... I will stop through Sonic or McDonalds and pull off and eat. That is such a sick behavior, and probably the result of some sort of coping mechanism... but the end result is I have lifestyle that is tearing me down, and it is a serious exercise of dedication and focus to be good for even one day, let alone a month, or year...
I always hesitate to make New Year's Resolutions, but I do want to grow up when it comes to my health. The scary thing is that I am relatively active, and that is bound to slow down... and then where will I be? I don;t want to be ripped, and I don;t think I will ever be my ideal weight, but I want to be 200 or below so badly. My first goal was to get under 100 kg, and when I met that I felt great.. but now I am fluctuating back and forth, I need to get far below it and stay there.
Anywho...
So far today I have tried to be as productive as you can be when locked indoors. I started sorting through last semester's crap and throwing out stuff that is no more use to me or future students I may meet. I also tackled the seemingly insurmountable job rearranging my bookshelves. So this little blog post served as a small break from the work. It's hard to believe my break is almost over, and I am so NOT relaxed and recharged. I am ready to get back to school though, and I miss seeing my classmates. I haven;t many friends in the class, but it is just nice to see friendly, familiar faces daily... and laugh and joke around with the ones I do hang out with.
Well, more later. Horns up!
As I sit here rocking out to Marilyn Manson (which would probably make him mad if he knew), I am still thinking about last night's "The Biggest Loser." That show pumps me up to exercise when I watch it, and then the next day her I am; fat and lazy, and craving every possible bad food that exists. I am really starting to hate myself for not being mature enough to stay committed to my health. I weigh 222 as of this morning, and that is gross. Better than my 230 of last summer, but worse than the 210 I was at in October.
The real stab to the heart came yesterday at the Pott. County DMV. I had to renew my driver's license, and when they asked my weight, I told them 215. I figured that was a realistic weight to put on, because I am bound to shed a few of this winter pounds soon. But, to my surprise, the license says 251 lbs. The girl transposed the numbers, and I did not want to wait in line to fix it. Then I got to thinking...
1) it didn't seem outlandish to the people checking my data that I was 251. :(
2) 251 isn't all that far away from where I am/was recently
3) The folks on Biggest Loser who are around my weight look way better than I do.
So, for the next 5 years, I have this plastic reminder of my eternal gross-ness. Oh well. I guess I can use it as motivation. The thing is, Biggest Loser, despite having a slight mean-spirited undertone when it started, has become a fantastic TV show. Of all of the so called "reality" TV, I think that this is perhaps the most real to me. These people struggle with the things real people do... the will to eat poorly, the laziness of avoiding exercise, the need for some loving support in changing their lives... Far more real to me than beautiful people stuck on an island. When I saw Maurice's audition tape, I almost cried. He was sitting in his car eating fast food on his way home from work... that is me! I do that from time to time... I will stop through Sonic or McDonalds and pull off and eat. That is such a sick behavior, and probably the result of some sort of coping mechanism... but the end result is I have lifestyle that is tearing me down, and it is a serious exercise of dedication and focus to be good for even one day, let alone a month, or year...
I always hesitate to make New Year's Resolutions, but I do want to grow up when it comes to my health. The scary thing is that I am relatively active, and that is bound to slow down... and then where will I be? I don;t want to be ripped, and I don;t think I will ever be my ideal weight, but I want to be 200 or below so badly. My first goal was to get under 100 kg, and when I met that I felt great.. but now I am fluctuating back and forth, I need to get far below it and stay there.
Anywho...
So far today I have tried to be as productive as you can be when locked indoors. I started sorting through last semester's crap and throwing out stuff that is no more use to me or future students I may meet. I also tackled the seemingly insurmountable job rearranging my bookshelves. So this little blog post served as a small break from the work. It's hard to believe my break is almost over, and I am so NOT relaxed and recharged. I am ready to get back to school though, and I miss seeing my classmates. I haven;t many friends in the class, but it is just nice to see friendly, familiar faces daily... and laugh and joke around with the ones I do hang out with.
Well, more later. Horns up!
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