Saturday, April 02, 2005
Jockin' Mike D To My Dismay
Hey everyone! A month ago, my awesome e-friend Yuki (from Singapore) asked me if pharmacy was my dream job, and if not, what my dream job would be. It took me a long time to respond to this, but I thought about every day. It was one of those questions that really got me thinking... I should say, it was a question that sort of began to haunt me.
Let me wander away from the main point of this for a second... ever sit in church or school and start playing mind games with yourself? You start asking "if I was single, who in this room would make a good match for me?" Being a true "guy" my first instinct is to gather up all of the prettiest girls in view to fill my mental casting couch.
But then the logical part of my mind takes over. How many of these girls would even be interested in me? Do they have similar religious and political views? Would they hate things I love? What do they like to eat? What are their hobbies? Do they have a lot of girlfriends they'd rather hang out with on weekends, or will they be over-reliant on me for attention?
Anyway, you get the point. Now back to the main part of my blog; When Yuki asked about what my ultimate job was, I played same mind games. Which jobs pay the most? Which are the most fun? Which are in the best places? Which have the most prestige? Which help the most people? Which take the least work? And so on...
I was upset with myself that I did not conclude that pharmacy was not my ultimate job. I sort of had a bit of a character crisis. I mean, if it isn't what I truly want to do, why am I pursuing it? Am I doomed to be out soul searching again in 10 years, looking down the barrel of another career change? I hope not, because I don't have another life crisis in me. But shouldn't I be pursuing my dreams and make them happen? Or is it wise to follow a semi-impossible ideal to futility? (FYI, what I really want to do is write).
I bummed myself out. I sort of felt like a fraud, and I know well what that feels like (I went through the same ordeal when I was in the ministry, but on a much more serious level). But then I sort of had an "a-ha" moment...
You don't have to be in the possession of your ultimate job. It isn't a requirement for happiness. If X equals anything (job, mate, car, body, etc.), your ultimate X is often just a dream anyway, And how many of us ever have our dream anything? As a matter of fact, I had fallen into a trap that many people do... become depressed that I do not have my ultimate X. I had ignored the fact that so often in life we need to feel fortunate for what we do have, rather than be upset at what we do not.
A couple days ago I took a little heat for a tongue-in-cheek/smart assed look into springtime and girl watching. Which is fine, but people seemed to bristle that I would dare hint that I am not totally immersed in the greatness of my wife. My wife is a great person, but she is not my ultimate girl. Should I be married to her then? Of course, because I will never meet my ultimate girl. Should I leave her if I meet a girl closer to my ultimate X (making her my ex in favor of my X)? Of course not. And incidentally, I have met a girl closer to my X. Actually, I have met a few girls, all with certain traits that extend far higher on the chart, closer to my X values. But you know what? In all of them, other attributes fade further away from X also.
This goes much further than my semi-conscious ogling of a couple pretty, smart, funny girls that I am secretly into... That is to say, it has a further reaching implication than ridiculous male fantasizing. The same problems can be applied to jobs, religion, and family life. Maybe you have a child born who refuses to fulfill your desires. Maybe they are disabled or just naughty. Maybe your child ends up homosexual, or overly promiscuous. Maybe your child shuns your religion for another, or decides that religion is bunk altogether. What do you do? Live a life of constant disappointment and bitterness, or do you love the child for who they are and liberate yourself from forever asking "what if?"
One of my top 100 songs of all time is "Wish I never saw the sunshine" by Beth Orton. It has a lot to do with beating yourself up over "what if." Just listening to it makes me slip into the regretful frame of mind. Why didn't I do this? What if I could take that back? What if I had met her in a different situation? How did I gain 60 pounds in one semester? Should I have plastic surgery? Chasing your ultimate X's leads to rainy day melancholy every time. But why not just step back and look at what you have and finding some good aspects? Evaluate where you can make a few adjustments, but for the most part, be thankful for what you have.
This sort of question seems to derail a lot of people (and I should have known better than to fall into the trap). People get upset at their church because it isn't doing everything they wish it would. They get frustrated at their job because it isn't as stimulating as it should be. They leave their wives because they aren't as "perfect" as they had hoped. They even spend their lives changing themselves (hobbies, eating habits, musical tastes, political views, and so on) because they aren't feeling as good about life as they would ultimately like to. In many ways, the so-called "midlife crisis" many Americans experience is founded is this hopeless chasing of ultimate X's that will never materialize. The only people who seem to forever chase these X's are either "desperate" housewives, bald men with convertable sports cars, pretty young actresses having to do porno to pay rent in LA, and starving artists living in downtown studio apartments.
In the end, I decided that Pharmacy is a great fit for me. I researched it pretty well before I started to pursue it, so I am glad that I can come to this decision still. I love the scientific rigor, the calculations, and I even like dealing with the people. It is a healing job, a caring job, and, by the way, a job that pays very well. Being a pharmacist will allow me to not only have fulfillment in my career, but money to help my wife and I meet certain life goals that we have (like buying a home and having children). Shoot, I may even get to travel to Japan finally.
So in the end, no Pharmacy is not my ultimate job. Sandy is not my ultimate wife. 220 pounds is not my ultimate shape. My apartment is not my ultimate dwelling space. And my 1993 Saturn is not my ultimate car. But all of these things serve me well, and I am thankful that I have them. I am lucky for the opportunities and breaks that I have, and I shouldn't beat myself to death trying to obtain some elusive ideal X.
But this won't stop me from mentally auditioning possible ultimate Mrs. Smith candidates. (I mean that in the least creepy way possible... lol).
Horns up!
Let me wander away from the main point of this for a second... ever sit in church or school and start playing mind games with yourself? You start asking "if I was single, who in this room would make a good match for me?" Being a true "guy" my first instinct is to gather up all of the prettiest girls in view to fill my mental casting couch.
But then the logical part of my mind takes over. How many of these girls would even be interested in me? Do they have similar religious and political views? Would they hate things I love? What do they like to eat? What are their hobbies? Do they have a lot of girlfriends they'd rather hang out with on weekends, or will they be over-reliant on me for attention?
Anyway, you get the point. Now back to the main part of my blog; When Yuki asked about what my ultimate job was, I played same mind games. Which jobs pay the most? Which are the most fun? Which are in the best places? Which have the most prestige? Which help the most people? Which take the least work? And so on...
I was upset with myself that I did not conclude that pharmacy was not my ultimate job. I sort of had a bit of a character crisis. I mean, if it isn't what I truly want to do, why am I pursuing it? Am I doomed to be out soul searching again in 10 years, looking down the barrel of another career change? I hope not, because I don't have another life crisis in me. But shouldn't I be pursuing my dreams and make them happen? Or is it wise to follow a semi-impossible ideal to futility? (FYI, what I really want to do is write).
I bummed myself out. I sort of felt like a fraud, and I know well what that feels like (I went through the same ordeal when I was in the ministry, but on a much more serious level). But then I sort of had an "a-ha" moment...
You don't have to be in the possession of your ultimate job. It isn't a requirement for happiness. If X equals anything (job, mate, car, body, etc.), your ultimate X is often just a dream anyway, And how many of us ever have our dream anything? As a matter of fact, I had fallen into a trap that many people do... become depressed that I do not have my ultimate X. I had ignored the fact that so often in life we need to feel fortunate for what we do have, rather than be upset at what we do not.
A couple days ago I took a little heat for a tongue-in-cheek/smart assed look into springtime and girl watching. Which is fine, but people seemed to bristle that I would dare hint that I am not totally immersed in the greatness of my wife. My wife is a great person, but she is not my ultimate girl. Should I be married to her then? Of course, because I will never meet my ultimate girl. Should I leave her if I meet a girl closer to my ultimate X (making her my ex in favor of my X)? Of course not. And incidentally, I have met a girl closer to my X. Actually, I have met a few girls, all with certain traits that extend far higher on the chart, closer to my X values. But you know what? In all of them, other attributes fade further away from X also.
This goes much further than my semi-conscious ogling of a couple pretty, smart, funny girls that I am secretly into... That is to say, it has a further reaching implication than ridiculous male fantasizing. The same problems can be applied to jobs, religion, and family life. Maybe you have a child born who refuses to fulfill your desires. Maybe they are disabled or just naughty. Maybe your child ends up homosexual, or overly promiscuous. Maybe your child shuns your religion for another, or decides that religion is bunk altogether. What do you do? Live a life of constant disappointment and bitterness, or do you love the child for who they are and liberate yourself from forever asking "what if?"
One of my top 100 songs of all time is "Wish I never saw the sunshine" by Beth Orton. It has a lot to do with beating yourself up over "what if." Just listening to it makes me slip into the regretful frame of mind. Why didn't I do this? What if I could take that back? What if I had met her in a different situation? How did I gain 60 pounds in one semester? Should I have plastic surgery? Chasing your ultimate X's leads to rainy day melancholy every time. But why not just step back and look at what you have and finding some good aspects? Evaluate where you can make a few adjustments, but for the most part, be thankful for what you have.
This sort of question seems to derail a lot of people (and I should have known better than to fall into the trap). People get upset at their church because it isn't doing everything they wish it would. They get frustrated at their job because it isn't as stimulating as it should be. They leave their wives because they aren't as "perfect" as they had hoped. They even spend their lives changing themselves (hobbies, eating habits, musical tastes, political views, and so on) because they aren't feeling as good about life as they would ultimately like to. In many ways, the so-called "midlife crisis" many Americans experience is founded is this hopeless chasing of ultimate X's that will never materialize. The only people who seem to forever chase these X's are either "desperate" housewives, bald men with convertable sports cars, pretty young actresses having to do porno to pay rent in LA, and starving artists living in downtown studio apartments.
In the end, I decided that Pharmacy is a great fit for me. I researched it pretty well before I started to pursue it, so I am glad that I can come to this decision still. I love the scientific rigor, the calculations, and I even like dealing with the people. It is a healing job, a caring job, and, by the way, a job that pays very well. Being a pharmacist will allow me to not only have fulfillment in my career, but money to help my wife and I meet certain life goals that we have (like buying a home and having children). Shoot, I may even get to travel to Japan finally.
So in the end, no Pharmacy is not my ultimate job. Sandy is not my ultimate wife. 220 pounds is not my ultimate shape. My apartment is not my ultimate dwelling space. And my 1993 Saturn is not my ultimate car. But all of these things serve me well, and I am thankful that I have them. I am lucky for the opportunities and breaks that I have, and I shouldn't beat myself to death trying to obtain some elusive ideal X.
But this won't stop me from mentally auditioning possible ultimate Mrs. Smith candidates. (I mean that in the least creepy way possible... lol).
Horns up!
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