Sunday, May 01, 2005
Feelin' a little "blissfully" today...
(reference to Modest Mouse if you want to uncover the hidden meaning of the title, BTW)
My friend P.W. let me go home from work early, which was nice, because I was in a funk. But now that I am home, I am depressed and lonely. I am the only one here, I tried to call a couple friends (but no answer), and the last thing I want to do is study. But guess what the thing I need to do worst is? Study.
I am freaking out about the next 2 weeks. I have a huge test tomorrow in a class I am not doing well in (Physiology), plus finals are coming soon. I also recently had to take a 0 on a 20 point quiz, and furthermore, I got a 32 out of 50 on yet another test that I felt that I had a great handle on the material. Add to this the fact that the weather has been gloomy, I haven't been feeling well, and that I will all but lost three very good friends for good now that their last semester is over... and you have one little gloomy gus.
Needless to say, the old ego is taking a beating. I honestly think that Pharmacy School is a little beyond me, and that is a hard thing to admit to. I am passing, don't get me wrong, and I am most definitely not quitting. I even think I will be a great pharmacist... but the classwork is crushing me. I have finally hit the ceiling on my mental ability I think.
I am used to excelling, and being smart. And I have learned a TON of stuff this semester, even found a lot of it personally interesting. Yet I am constantly below class average and in the last two weeks, close to the bottom. And this depresses me.
I know that I shouldn't put a lot of stock in my grades, but they are such an easy way to gauge academic progress. When I was in the ministry, I used to get upset when a church's success was measured by the number of attendees, or by the number of baptisms. I hate when, in social situations, people measure personal accomplishment and success by how much they own or make. Yet, in school, I like to measure my worth by the grading scale.
The worst of it is that the grading scale actually is relatively accurate when sizing you up to others. And "A" doesn't really mean anything, but if the class average is 3.8 and you have a 2.8, it is safe to say you are not as good of a student as the average class member. And this hurts my pride.
I have struggled a lot in the last 15 years, trying to find my place in society, deal with crazy life events, and to better myself through education. And until this year, I was very happy with my progress. Even when I was not getting into pharmacy school, I was satisfied with my accomplishments (although at the time they seemed futile).
So anyway, I am having a bad day. And I have 14 more bad days before I can try to recuperate. So if you see me, just try to give me a smile, okay? Until then, its time to start studying crap that probably won't be on the test anyway.
Horns up.........
*sigh*
PS - At least Scott cheered me up today (unknowingly). He's always good for a bunch of laughs.
My friend P.W. let me go home from work early, which was nice, because I was in a funk. But now that I am home, I am depressed and lonely. I am the only one here, I tried to call a couple friends (but no answer), and the last thing I want to do is study. But guess what the thing I need to do worst is? Study.
I am freaking out about the next 2 weeks. I have a huge test tomorrow in a class I am not doing well in (Physiology), plus finals are coming soon. I also recently had to take a 0 on a 20 point quiz, and furthermore, I got a 32 out of 50 on yet another test that I felt that I had a great handle on the material. Add to this the fact that the weather has been gloomy, I haven't been feeling well, and that I will all but lost three very good friends for good now that their last semester is over... and you have one little gloomy gus.
Needless to say, the old ego is taking a beating. I honestly think that Pharmacy School is a little beyond me, and that is a hard thing to admit to. I am passing, don't get me wrong, and I am most definitely not quitting. I even think I will be a great pharmacist... but the classwork is crushing me. I have finally hit the ceiling on my mental ability I think.
I am used to excelling, and being smart. And I have learned a TON of stuff this semester, even found a lot of it personally interesting. Yet I am constantly below class average and in the last two weeks, close to the bottom. And this depresses me.
I know that I shouldn't put a lot of stock in my grades, but they are such an easy way to gauge academic progress. When I was in the ministry, I used to get upset when a church's success was measured by the number of attendees, or by the number of baptisms. I hate when, in social situations, people measure personal accomplishment and success by how much they own or make. Yet, in school, I like to measure my worth by the grading scale.
The worst of it is that the grading scale actually is relatively accurate when sizing you up to others. And "A" doesn't really mean anything, but if the class average is 3.8 and you have a 2.8, it is safe to say you are not as good of a student as the average class member. And this hurts my pride.
I have struggled a lot in the last 15 years, trying to find my place in society, deal with crazy life events, and to better myself through education. And until this year, I was very happy with my progress. Even when I was not getting into pharmacy school, I was satisfied with my accomplishments (although at the time they seemed futile).
So anyway, I am having a bad day. And I have 14 more bad days before I can try to recuperate. So if you see me, just try to give me a smile, okay? Until then, its time to start studying crap that probably won't be on the test anyway.
Horns up.........
*sigh*
PS - At least Scott cheered me up today (unknowingly). He's always good for a bunch of laughs.
Comments:
"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For Thou are with me. Thy rod and they staff, they comfort me."
People will always let you down. We are sinful creatures living in a fallen world. And if you measure yourself against other people, you will always let yourself down. The only scale you need to measure yourself against, the only opinion that is ever going to truly matter in the end, is God's. If you are truly following the path that HE set before you, if you love Him, and if you are obeying the call for your life for HIS purpose, then everything will work out okay. It doesn't always just work out okay for everyone, those other 2 criteria must be met first. And only you and God can know if that criteria has been met, only you and God can know if your heart is right, and you are following the straight and narrow path. God did not ever promise it would be easy. In fact he promised it would be hard and there would be trials and troulbles and impossible odds. But we know that we will win as long as God is on our side, because that's how he shows the world his Glory, is by helping us defeat the impossible.
Hang in there. And keep the Faith. I haven't read all your postings, I just found your blog today. But I get the idea you may have lost your faith somewhere... keep looking for it. I promise you, once you get your feet on solid ground again, nothing else will matter. It may still be hard, and satan surely will throw a fit at losing another battle, but we know that Christ has already won the war. We're just in the fight to rescue as many prisoners of war as we can before the troops are all called back home.
God bless you and may HE grant you peace.
-Sparkling
http://www.angelfire.com/or3/tinyzoo/blog/
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People will always let you down. We are sinful creatures living in a fallen world. And if you measure yourself against other people, you will always let yourself down. The only scale you need to measure yourself against, the only opinion that is ever going to truly matter in the end, is God's. If you are truly following the path that HE set before you, if you love Him, and if you are obeying the call for your life for HIS purpose, then everything will work out okay. It doesn't always just work out okay for everyone, those other 2 criteria must be met first. And only you and God can know if that criteria has been met, only you and God can know if your heart is right, and you are following the straight and narrow path. God did not ever promise it would be easy. In fact he promised it would be hard and there would be trials and troulbles and impossible odds. But we know that we will win as long as God is on our side, because that's how he shows the world his Glory, is by helping us defeat the impossible.
Hang in there. And keep the Faith. I haven't read all your postings, I just found your blog today. But I get the idea you may have lost your faith somewhere... keep looking for it. I promise you, once you get your feet on solid ground again, nothing else will matter. It may still be hard, and satan surely will throw a fit at losing another battle, but we know that Christ has already won the war. We're just in the fight to rescue as many prisoners of war as we can before the troops are all called back home.
God bless you and may HE grant you peace.
-Sparkling
http://www.angelfire.com/or3/tinyzoo/blog/