Thursday, August 04, 2005
"I hope Satan has a nice colon, 'cause that is where you are gonna be living!"
In my 30 years on this Earth, I have been an armchair writer of varying abilities for about 25 years, and a self styled humorist (debatable) for maybe 20. I have only been a Christian (of varying loyalties) for 14. I have only understood what being a Christian means 10 years. I have been a husband for 7 years (as of this Sunday). I have been in ‘real’ love (in varying degrees) with my wife for 4. Coincidentally, I have also only felt truly comfortable in my beliefs and in my ability to explain and defend them for those same 4 years.
And in these 4 years, I have ever so slightly moved further and further away from Conservative Independent Protestant American Christianity. (Should I put the word “White” in there too? Anyway…) And in the last 2 years I have started to realize that I am really ‘sure’ about less and less, and this is inversely proportionate to my soul’s/mind’s/heart’s contentment.
And in the last year, I think I finally figured out why Jesus and I butt heads so often.
Is it His “hard” sayings? Is Christianity too demanding? Is it that theology is so hard to sort out? Is it because Christianity is so contradictory? Is it because I am afraid to be happy? That I am so anti-establishment that I can’t cop to authority? Did public schools let me down? Is it rock and roll? Maybe I am just not predestined to be among “that number?”
Nope.
Jesus’ big brag was that if He was standing amongst the rubble of a former temple, He’d build it up again in 3 days. Me, on the other hand, I am great at tearing things down. Give me a temple and I’ll tear that sucker down in 3 days. I could probably do it in less, but I am pretty lazy.
I look around Council Bluffs and I see that at least I am not alone in this. But let’s talk about me… after all; it’s the most popular subject on this site.
Now watch me work. I can take a decent income and find a way to come up short when I need funds. Who needs to have money for a car repair, oil change, new pair of slacks for work, or a respectable pair of shoes when I could have piles and piles of, well, crap. Speaking of oil changes, I can take a somewhat adequate vehicle and turn it into a rolling trash-bin/death trap. Trust me. That 93 Saturn wasn’t built to last in the first place. Wait ‘til it gets a load of me.
My best trick is to undermine the miracle of Creation / miracle of evolution. (cross out which ever you are too narrow-minded to accept). I can take a naturally healthy body and turn it into a total couch potato. That same body is further torn down by the greasy, salty, and otherwise deadly food that I eat in tremendous proportions. I have choked the Holy of Holies with chicken fries and burrito supremes.
We could draw further evidence for my theory by looking at my slash and burn approach to relationships. I at once yearn for friends and do my best to be unfriendly. I fail to stay in contact, make myself unavailable, and find a way to find the things I hate about a person long before I realize what it is I like about them. I spend a lot of energy on people who fail to reciprocate, and am Scrooge with those who probably deserve attention the most.
Yes sir, I likes to tear me down some temples (grammar incorrect on purpose). But then again, isn’t that what humans do best? What would Jesus do with all of His free time if He wasn’t flying from disaster to disaster rebuilding the shambles of man’s handiwork? I guess I should sleep well at night knowing I am doing my part to keep Jesus needed. Keeping Him off the streets by keeping Him busy, isn’t that how the logic goes? The last thing we want is Jesus sitting on a curb in front of a 7-11, walking around neighborhoods late at night (perhaps pushing Moses into a bush for kicks), driving around with water guns conducting squirt-and-runs, or bumming around the mall. So when you hit your knees tonight, thank God for me: because thanks to me, grace abounds.
What’s so great about temples anyway? I wonder if Jesus is any good at building other things? They tell us He was a carpenter after all. Maybe we could get Him to let a few temples fall from time to time, and instead get to work building something useful like peace. Maybe he could build some bridges (I could use a few). At least He could try to build a house or two, for folks who haven’t a place to live. Or could it be that Jesus is no Ty Pennington? Or do you like “barely a Jimmy Carter” better? Choose your own joke here.
No, we’re talking about Jesus here. The Son of God. Son of Mary, at least. Of course He’s going to be interested in temples first. That’s His bread and butter. That’s where we talk about Him, read His biography, partake in His supper, and take up His offerings. I mean, Barry Bonds isn’t going to testify to congress for stronger steroid penalties (dude, that guy dopes and juices so much his epiglottis has biceps) and lower salaries in sports.
The IRS loves April, fast food chains love the working class, casinos love the elderly, and Jesus loves temples. But then again, I don’t see a lot of good happening within the walls of a temple these days. Most of the temples I see have installed battlements, and have started firing on one another. Now that I think about it, Jesus may just be sub-contracting for Halliburton.
Of course, this is all handy rhetoric for someone who doesn’t want to try to build a temple… let along attempt to slow the tearing down of one. I could turn off the TV, I could exercise more often, I could try to be nicer to people, and I could try eating a salad and fruit now and then. But all of that takes energy, which is so counter to the laws of thermodynamics. Man, just trying to justify my attitude tears down the temple of logic… I guess my theory is holding water pretty well.
So what do I do now that I realize where Jesus and I stand? I mean, the pressure is on me to change right? What will I do now that I know we aren’t exactly dovetailing? I guess we’ll see. A 227 pound, 30 year old man who can barely run a mile without stopping to walk, and who heads immediately to the nearest pop and food stop, only to go home to spend the day watching DVDs and play video games might not be the best person to ask to predict the future.
Of course I will play Bubblegoose meteorologist for a second;
Tomorrow will be partly cloudy with an 80% chance of temple smashing. But hold out for the slight chance of some building. Depends on that high pressure system…
Horn’s up.
PS - Relax, oh Christian friend. Save your hate mail and your disappointment in my character. This is humor, remember. And what do you expect from someone who only blogged seven times or so this summer? Got to work out the rust and cobwebs.
And in these 4 years, I have ever so slightly moved further and further away from Conservative Independent Protestant American Christianity. (Should I put the word “White” in there too? Anyway…) And in the last 2 years I have started to realize that I am really ‘sure’ about less and less, and this is inversely proportionate to my soul’s/mind’s/heart’s contentment.
And in the last year, I think I finally figured out why Jesus and I butt heads so often.
Is it His “hard” sayings? Is Christianity too demanding? Is it that theology is so hard to sort out? Is it because Christianity is so contradictory? Is it because I am afraid to be happy? That I am so anti-establishment that I can’t cop to authority? Did public schools let me down? Is it rock and roll? Maybe I am just not predestined to be among “that number?”
Nope.
Jesus’ big brag was that if He was standing amongst the rubble of a former temple, He’d build it up again in 3 days. Me, on the other hand, I am great at tearing things down. Give me a temple and I’ll tear that sucker down in 3 days. I could probably do it in less, but I am pretty lazy.
I look around Council Bluffs and I see that at least I am not alone in this. But let’s talk about me… after all; it’s the most popular subject on this site.
Now watch me work. I can take a decent income and find a way to come up short when I need funds. Who needs to have money for a car repair, oil change, new pair of slacks for work, or a respectable pair of shoes when I could have piles and piles of, well, crap. Speaking of oil changes, I can take a somewhat adequate vehicle and turn it into a rolling trash-bin/death trap. Trust me. That 93 Saturn wasn’t built to last in the first place. Wait ‘til it gets a load of me.
My best trick is to undermine the miracle of Creation / miracle of evolution. (cross out which ever you are too narrow-minded to accept). I can take a naturally healthy body and turn it into a total couch potato. That same body is further torn down by the greasy, salty, and otherwise deadly food that I eat in tremendous proportions. I have choked the Holy of Holies with chicken fries and burrito supremes.
We could draw further evidence for my theory by looking at my slash and burn approach to relationships. I at once yearn for friends and do my best to be unfriendly. I fail to stay in contact, make myself unavailable, and find a way to find the things I hate about a person long before I realize what it is I like about them. I spend a lot of energy on people who fail to reciprocate, and am Scrooge with those who probably deserve attention the most.
Yes sir, I likes to tear me down some temples (grammar incorrect on purpose). But then again, isn’t that what humans do best? What would Jesus do with all of His free time if He wasn’t flying from disaster to disaster rebuilding the shambles of man’s handiwork? I guess I should sleep well at night knowing I am doing my part to keep Jesus needed. Keeping Him off the streets by keeping Him busy, isn’t that how the logic goes? The last thing we want is Jesus sitting on a curb in front of a 7-11, walking around neighborhoods late at night (perhaps pushing Moses into a bush for kicks), driving around with water guns conducting squirt-and-runs, or bumming around the mall. So when you hit your knees tonight, thank God for me: because thanks to me, grace abounds.
What’s so great about temples anyway? I wonder if Jesus is any good at building other things? They tell us He was a carpenter after all. Maybe we could get Him to let a few temples fall from time to time, and instead get to work building something useful like peace. Maybe he could build some bridges (I could use a few). At least He could try to build a house or two, for folks who haven’t a place to live. Or could it be that Jesus is no Ty Pennington? Or do you like “barely a Jimmy Carter” better? Choose your own joke here.
No, we’re talking about Jesus here. The Son of God. Son of Mary, at least. Of course He’s going to be interested in temples first. That’s His bread and butter. That’s where we talk about Him, read His biography, partake in His supper, and take up His offerings. I mean, Barry Bonds isn’t going to testify to congress for stronger steroid penalties (dude, that guy dopes and juices so much his epiglottis has biceps) and lower salaries in sports.
The IRS loves April, fast food chains love the working class, casinos love the elderly, and Jesus loves temples. But then again, I don’t see a lot of good happening within the walls of a temple these days. Most of the temples I see have installed battlements, and have started firing on one another. Now that I think about it, Jesus may just be sub-contracting for Halliburton.
Of course, this is all handy rhetoric for someone who doesn’t want to try to build a temple… let along attempt to slow the tearing down of one. I could turn off the TV, I could exercise more often, I could try to be nicer to people, and I could try eating a salad and fruit now and then. But all of that takes energy, which is so counter to the laws of thermodynamics. Man, just trying to justify my attitude tears down the temple of logic… I guess my theory is holding water pretty well.
So what do I do now that I realize where Jesus and I stand? I mean, the pressure is on me to change right? What will I do now that I know we aren’t exactly dovetailing? I guess we’ll see. A 227 pound, 30 year old man who can barely run a mile without stopping to walk, and who heads immediately to the nearest pop and food stop, only to go home to spend the day watching DVDs and play video games might not be the best person to ask to predict the future.
Of course I will play Bubblegoose meteorologist for a second;
Tomorrow will be partly cloudy with an 80% chance of temple smashing. But hold out for the slight chance of some building. Depends on that high pressure system…
Horn’s up.
PS - Relax, oh Christian friend. Save your hate mail and your disappointment in my character. This is humor, remember. And what do you expect from someone who only blogged seven times or so this summer? Got to work out the rust and cobwebs.
Comments:
Welcome to blogosphere!
There is enough room for more.
C'mon!
Your testimonial should have been concluded in less than 400 words.
You should know how to start and end it swiftly.
Too long is often boring along the way.
Be concise.
Be precise.
And make a lot of sense.
And less noise.
Post a Comment
There is enough room for more.
C'mon!
Your testimonial should have been concluded in less than 400 words.
You should know how to start and end it swiftly.
Too long is often boring along the way.
Be concise.
Be precise.
And make a lot of sense.
And less noise.