Saturday, October 01, 2005
So long and thanks for all the fish (A Pharmacological Nightmare)
Actually Friday was a miserable day. The preface reads as follows: Carl Smith is already very tired, of questionable temperament, and has a deadly serious desire not to become just another overstimulated, overweight, overindulged, overworked, underpaid, underappreciated, undersexed middle class white male. Just watching TV anymore pisses me off. The world has become an ugly place, and my own country seems to be at the head of that ugliness. The ignorance, the superstition, the crass commercialism, the self-serving posturing of the "news," and the never ending parade of antisense. So as you can tell, I have my share of unstable footing to start with...
So then I studied 10 days straight for a test... and I knew the material pretty well. Well enough to study with my peers and occasionally explain a misunderstanding... able to apply the "why things happen" rather than just regurgitate the "what happens." The class was pharmacology, and it was over every drug in the following classes:
1. antineoplastics (cancer drugs)
2. antivirals (HIV, influenza)
3. antigout
4. NSAIDS
So, as you can imagine, the scope of the material was pretty meaty. I had cut out all of my frivolous time-wasting hobbies (ignoring my poor, poor PSP), watched only one or two hours of TV, and even gave up one of my favorite pastimes... sleep. I was at school by 5 AM, up nights until 11 PM.
I took the test. I felt uneasy about it, but confident in my answers. I slowed down, and looked over the whole test a second time... something I rarely do. The test was 33 questions, and all multiple choice. So each question was worth quite a lot. I managed to get my answers sorted out, and then I pressed "submit." My score was a 45%. That is probably THE WORST grade I have ever received... and the consensus in the hallway afterwards was that it was also the worst in the class. Then I had to hang around for a mandatory meeting about the school's new stricter educational requirements. Yay.
I don't really know what to do. I did everything right. I have cut back on my working hours, Sandy has been helping me a lot around the house, and I have been better about staying up with the studies. And I get a 45%. And I felt like I knew it. And my friends all got scores between the 60's and 90's.
So... he is Carl, desperate to make up some lost confidence. I have studied all day today. I got up at 9 AM, and if you ignore a few short distractions, studied clear up until 9 PM. 12 hours. So we'll see how my 2 tests go THIS week...
I am also now in the awkward position to seek help. Not tutoring... but study help. I need to convince the educational guru at school to evaluate my testing style and maybe make paper copies of the tests available to me. We'll see where that goes. I don;t even know where to start. I am too impatient and prideful to sit through "coping with your testing anxiety" classes, full of breathing exercises and study tips. Yet I probably need it. The time issue will get sticky too, as I have stretched everything as thin as it will go. I have sorely neglected my personal fun time lately, and likewise cut back on time for Sandy. The next few weeks will be a bumpy ride, I just hope I can build up some ego before fall break...
So to help juggle mental health with educational proficiency, I am slowly reading a novel I have picked up. It is "The Man Who Fell to Earth" by Walter Tevis. It is about, among many things, a burnt-out Iowa University organic chemistry professor, and an "alien" (metaphorical or not, you be the judge) who slowly assimilates and is crushed under modern materialistic society. Here is a quote I lifted that feels a lot like I have in the last 24 hours...
"And, suddenly, looking again at his room... he felt disgusted, weary of this cheap and alien place, this loud, throaty, rootless, and sensual culture, this aggregate of clever, itchy, self-absorbed apes - vulgar, uncaring, while their culture was, like London Bridge and all bridges, falling down, falling down."
So see ya, TTFN, さようなら, adios... hopefully the blog and myself will be back to full strength in the near future. Hopefully by Tuesday or Thursday, as I have tests both days... and since there are tests, that means there are chances for me to prove I am not a flippin' retard that shouldn't be in a doctorate program.
And thanks to my friends who sort of kept me up. Some specific thanks to Katie for the hug (sort of stupid how something so silly works better than alcohol... I mean drugs... I mean...) To Kaylee for being a total silly goose in the 4 minutes I got to talk to her. To my penpals and classmates that showed empathy and then did a good job pretending nothing had happened. And for the sushi, Minh. That really hit the spot, and was a highlight in this otherwise cruddy weekend.
Horns up.